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I Battle Anorexia and Bulimia

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a poem about having eating disorders (TW)

Ana says chapstick, not chips
My indulgence is green apple, smoothed over the lips
I must be perfection, no cracks, no splits, no tears
I must look feather-light in everything I wear
Clothes are like rewards: 'Am I thin enough for this?'
And when it seems unflattering, the answer- to restrict

Ana says write poetry, instead of eating food
Write elegies and limericks, to distract from fork and spoon
Make your knife the cutting word, the bold, incisive line
And slim those pounds from round your waist, ignore it, you'll be fine
It seems the mirror adds ten pounds, my mind provides the shame
And when it seems I can't go on, I write in Ana's name

Ana says skinnier! No excuse for gain
And every meal I skip allows a step up in the game
Extra points for exercise, each calorie I burn
Is a blessing to my body, which in time will learn
To run ever faster, farther, stronger, better
Until I look just tiny in those tights and that cute sweater

Ana says no eating, and when Mia interjects
I must feel shame for all my binging- a worthless fucking reject
'And of course,' I think 'there's a reason I'm so awful and so down
It must be my fucking eating, piling on those pounds'
And Ana and Mia both agree, the only way to fix such splurge
Is to turn on the faucet and the shower, play rock music, and purge

They say to me, 'throw up, stick your fingers in your mouth'
And all but the greasy residue of my shame and guilt spill out
I've saved myself from gaining weight, walk out weak but having won
I've reversed that big mistake, my will again is strong
And I hide behind my water bottle, vitamins, and mints
Because eating is an awful sin, and I know I must repent

It seems to me that one day, maybe, way on down the road
Ana and Mia can look at me, from my head down to my toes
Can run their bony, beautiful hands over my sallow skin and bones
And say to me 'you're beautiful,' let me bask inside their glow
To get there I must listen, even if it kills me
They are the voices in my head, starving me to 'skinny'
22-25, F
4 replies
Nov 16, 2016
taehyun · 18-21, F
This was my life once upon a time. Anirexia and bulimia nearly took me.
NinaSilver · 22-25, F
I'm so sorry <3 How are you doing now?
taehyun · 18-21, F
I'm a lot better now. Not where I would like to be, but better than before
NinaSilver · 22-25, F
@taehyun: That's really good. I hope recovery continues to go well for you <3

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