I Want to Keep a Journal
Day 5
19/Oct/2020
I haven't written in so long, but I am feeling low now and in combination with listening to my favourite band, I got the muse to write something. I won't say the reason for my mood, because I don't want it imprinted in my history no more - the pain or disappointment in myself.
I'll just write about where I am in life now and hopefully it will get me to appreciate it more, than I am right now.
It's 3 o'clock at night, I'm in the kitchen eating ramen and listening to Linkin Park, licking my wounds aaand it just started.. WID,.. it's too early, PAUSE PAUSE, I'm not ready to feel good yet, I wanna still pity myself - sounds so pitiful ngl, but Idc I want to feel this way, because I don't deserve to feel better, I need to be punished.
Also I started drinking again after that 3 month break, and I've been the past 2 weeks, kinda abusing it a bit, because I want all the courage I can get, but after today, looks like not even that works, so I gotto find another way, plus Imma stop drinking during the week, because it's pointless, it has no purpose, just habit, that needs to be broken.
Well at this point the only thing I can do is to recharge my batteries, shut down my engines and get myself back to neutral.
I've been getting better at swimming, I'm still in between homes, still keeping the job to keep seeing ergh, it's pointless, I don't even care about the money no more, it's like grinding a score in a game, with noob specs. Still no drv. L, I want to pick up meditating again, Idk how Imma do it tonight tho. Also I want to dig up my extras from EP and see how much I changed, and what was I saying back then, maybe it will give me some insight.
It's just, I got all these signs that I have a great destiny, but I don't see it give any fruit, and don't know how can I get past my fear. Crippling fear. Eh I'm just tired and these people annoy me. I don't want any friends or to hang out, it's pointless. I like being alone, I just want my gf and that's it, Idc about nobody else, why do I even listen to them and their stupid stories? I know, because you don't want to be alone.
I should do all the things I postponed over the weeks, also I need to continue learning stock trading, at least you won't feel like you're wasting time.
I want to learn to play golf, because would be cool to be able to be relatively decent and not a monkey with a stick stroking out.
I want to go to a Mike Shinoda concert, before it's too late..again.
I'm sorry.
For doing this to you.
I love you.
I always will.
I love you.
💙
19/Oct/2020
I haven't written in so long, but I am feeling low now and in combination with listening to my favourite band, I got the muse to write something. I won't say the reason for my mood, because I don't want it imprinted in my history no more - the pain or disappointment in myself.
I'll just write about where I am in life now and hopefully it will get me to appreciate it more, than I am right now.
It's 3 o'clock at night, I'm in the kitchen eating ramen and listening to Linkin Park, licking my wounds aaand it just started.. WID,.. it's too early, PAUSE PAUSE, I'm not ready to feel good yet, I wanna still pity myself - sounds so pitiful ngl, but Idc I want to feel this way, because I don't deserve to feel better, I need to be punished.
Also I started drinking again after that 3 month break, and I've been the past 2 weeks, kinda abusing it a bit, because I want all the courage I can get, but after today, looks like not even that works, so I gotto find another way, plus Imma stop drinking during the week, because it's pointless, it has no purpose, just habit, that needs to be broken.
Well at this point the only thing I can do is to recharge my batteries, shut down my engines and get myself back to neutral.
I've been getting better at swimming, I'm still in between homes, still keeping the job to keep seeing ergh, it's pointless, I don't even care about the money no more, it's like grinding a score in a game, with noob specs. Still no drv. L, I want to pick up meditating again, Idk how Imma do it tonight tho. Also I want to dig up my extras from EP and see how much I changed, and what was I saying back then, maybe it will give me some insight.
It's just, I got all these signs that I have a great destiny, but I don't see it give any fruit, and don't know how can I get past my fear. Crippling fear. Eh I'm just tired and these people annoy me. I don't want any friends or to hang out, it's pointless. I like being alone, I just want my gf and that's it, Idc about nobody else, why do I even listen to them and their stupid stories? I know, because you don't want to be alone.
I should do all the things I postponed over the weeks, also I need to continue learning stock trading, at least you won't feel like you're wasting time.
I want to learn to play golf, because would be cool to be able to be relatively decent and not a monkey with a stick stroking out.
I want to go to a Mike Shinoda concert, before it's too late..again.
I'm sorry.
For doing this to you.
I love you.
I always will.
I love you.
💙
