I Had An Affair

Thank you! I'm so glad I read that book, it really has helped a lot with my self-awareness (as you've mentioned) and has also greatly assisted in my healing and self-forgiveness process.

You're right, I have left out the other variables of the relationship. I chose to do this because I see it that no person or situation can "make" me cheat except for myself. I feel like I've victimized myself too much over my life and need to take responsibility. Plus, I only have control over my personal variables. If I can work on those aspects then perhaps my relationship can improve as well.

However, if I improve myself as an individual and a partner but the relationship still doesn't improve because he neglects to do his part, then perhaps that means it's time to move on. And at that point, if I have grown enough, I believe I would feel confident in making such a decision.

Regardless, you may still be right in that I'm being a bit too selective with my criticisms here. In the beginning stages I was particularly bad with this due to my overwhelming guilt and regret. I would reflect on him and our relationship through rose-colored glasses. I'd see myself as a monster while viewing him as perfect and innocent. I now realize that's a flawed cognition. Yet it's hard for me not to excuse away everybody else's actions because my empathy activates (along with my knowledge of human behavior) and I can put myself in the other position and find valid reasons for their behavior. I should probably give myself the same understanding at times, haha.

Now that I'm in a clearer mind I can be more realistic. The cheating was my fault. But no, he wasn't perfect. He has a problem with being self-centered and has been neglectful of many of my needs (not just sexually) for years. He often didn't care about what I wanted and would make me feel guilty if I didn't accommodate and choose his desires and needs over my own. He wanted me to kind of be a replica of him - if I didn't have the same wants, needs, opinions, values, etc. then I was wrong. I would often question myself and think perhaps I am wrong, especially since he would guilt me.

Likewise he didn't put me high on his priority list, yet at the same time wanted all of my attention. I think this confused me - he wanted me around all the time and was very attached to me (would complain and cry if I had to leave for a day) so part of me thought this meant I was a high priority. But it's like my "presence" was a high priority, but my "feelings" "wants" and "needs" were not.

Anyways, I'll try not to lose myself in this process. That would be counterproductive. I want to find myself and lose the other influencing voices. I want to be the best me that I can be. But you caught me lmao I am definitely a perfectionist. Have always been. I think that's partly why I put so much into this relationship because I hate failing and wonder if I'm not trying hard enough; I want to exhaust every possible option, haha. I recently bought a book called "Fuck it Therapy" which teaches you to care less and stop being an obsessing perfectionist 😂. I should probably read that ASAP.

Thanks for your response, insightful as always <3

@Imagine524: Wow, that was perfect. You take responsibility, but you are acknowledging that he has some things he needs to address as well. As long as you are willing to walk away if he doesn't address his part of the relationship, I think things can end well.

As far as empathy, everyone needs more of it. But the road to hell is lined with people who have no empathy for you, and for whom you have lots of empathy. You can give a certain amount for free, but learn to recognize when the other person does not reciprocate. Maybe ask for reciprocation a few times, but if they cannot supply empathy don't keep giving yourself away.

Your boyfriend seems to depend on you, but he seems to lack some skillset for looking at the relationship from a more abstract place and considering your needs. I don't know that he is any more immature than most men in early 20s. I think it is more about the fact that you are infinitely more mature than most women your age. Honestly, I feel you would be better with a guy around 28 to early 30s. You are ready for someone who has a little more depth and who you can evaluate in a final finished emotional and intellectual state. You also need someone who can look inside your emotional and thought process about the relationship and have pretty neutral conversations about that, in order for you to feel understood and feel like you are in a real partnership of needs and understanding.

I have no idea what your boyfriend ends up becoming someday, which makes discussions around him a little like rolling dice. Like Clint Eastwood says in the Dirty Harry movies: "You feeling lucky, punk?" :) Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you are trying hard enough, and - in fact - you are trying harder than 95% of people in your position would try.

Please don't read "Fuck It Therapy". Oh my God, then you will be like everyone else. Lol

Thank you for appreciating me. And now, for my impersonation of Yoda pretending to be William Shatner:

@pone22: Everything you said was seriously on point. Haha. So impressive, really!

I especially must thank you for your remark regarding empathy. It's nice to hear that. I'm realizing more and more these days that those I'm empathetic towards, are not so much with me in return. But you know what, you're right. It should be reciprocal. When I continue to be empathic and submissive towards someone who is hurting me, it makes me feel lose respect in myself and teaches them to disrespect me. l guess that's one of my downfalls for sure.

I'm rather young, 22 years old. I agree, I should have thought about and foreseen the negative implications. And yes, the way things are these days is not helpful. I've thought about giving up all social media but unfortunately need some of the avenues for my graduate studies :/

Thank you for the thoughtful response

Thank you!

You're welcome :).

Thank you!

It was a 2 month ordeal so I don't want people to see cheating and assume it was a one time thing.

Also, my bf and I have been together for 6.5 years, were planning to marry & have lived together the past 4 years. I just figured a lot of cheating stories would be related more to people who haven't been together as long.

I could always move it though.

@Imagine524: you don't need to be married to have an affair. Your post is fine here

Yes, I believe understanding our wrongs and the pain it has caused our significant other (as well as ourselves and others) will serve as a reminder to never repeat the action as well as a motivation to mend things.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom and the result on your father. My father also believes my mother had an affair but it resulted in a divorce as opposed to alcohol. I hope your situation gets better. And I hope I can heal him as well, I'm definitely glad we aren't married with kids as I would hate to affect children by such an action...

@Imagine524: Do try to work it out, it may be bumpy, but I believe that one marriage is the way to go. You find the person you love, and then you work it out :) I hope you guys make it. And don't worry, I am 18 now, I can handle it :) How old are you?

Thanks so much! I'm glad that you're handling it well and I'm 22.
Oh and I'm actually not married, sorry the term "affair" makes it seem that way. But we've been together for 6.5 years and have lived together the past 4. If we can get past this then hopefully we'll marry eventually.