I Am Having a Hard Time Right Now
Its really stupid, the way my mind works. I am in love. Every one says, its a wonderful feeling. And all that. It is, really. I smile when I read a text from, I smile even when I am thinking about him. I spend sleepless nights, thinking about him, cooking scenarios and some silly stories. I spend my days, day dreaming. I have got it bad. and I know it.
Thats the good part of the story, the underside is dark and bad. I am possessive and suspicious. Its this stupid thing in my mind, self doubt. I am not good enough for him. I know I am, but I wouldnt believe it. Reason lies in the past. My ex, I used to see him online all the time. He would feed me bull-crap about being busy and was dating somebody from his work. I got to an year later. We were almost engaged, and it broke me. I moved on, or I thought I did. But the ghost came knocking when I saw this guy online after telling me he is busy. I probably have checked something. I know he is busy with work. I know it, but my mind is Satan's workshop and all I do is doubt doubt doubt. Him, me and us.
And this wont go away, I try hard. I try to talk to him. He gets angry. That I dont understand. How to explain, that I do, I do understand, but my heart has scars from past, that need constant explanations. I wish he would understand my situation, hug me and say, dont worry. But he hates explaining himself every time. and who can blame him? I wish I werent like this. I wish I could be normal.
Thats the good part of the story, the underside is dark and bad. I am possessive and suspicious. Its this stupid thing in my mind, self doubt. I am not good enough for him. I know I am, but I wouldnt believe it. Reason lies in the past. My ex, I used to see him online all the time. He would feed me bull-crap about being busy and was dating somebody from his work. I got to an year later. We were almost engaged, and it broke me. I moved on, or I thought I did. But the ghost came knocking when I saw this guy online after telling me he is busy. I probably have checked something. I know he is busy with work. I know it, but my mind is Satan's workshop and all I do is doubt doubt doubt. Him, me and us.
And this wont go away, I try hard. I try to talk to him. He gets angry. That I dont understand. How to explain, that I do, I do understand, but my heart has scars from past, that need constant explanations. I wish he would understand my situation, hug me and say, dont worry. But he hates explaining himself every time. and who can blame him? I wish I werent like this. I wish I could be normal.
31-35, F
