I Have No Idea What I'm Doing

idk how to feel about my ex. I saw him this weekend and it was amazing. He was holding my hand and everything, like he used to when we were together. Its like we aren't broken up until I remember we are. I don't understand it. I think about him too much when he goes back to school and I am left here that I've gotten another job to try and keep myself.busy. I have hurt.myself a few times- something that took me.forever to break and here I am doing it again... Idk how to feel about any of this. I just want to reverse time and fix everything and I can't. I have a friend and he is a great guy. Nothing romantic with him. He knows I am still in love with my ex. And my ex isn't happy about me.being friends with him. Like why? When I hangout with people is helps get rid of that loneliness. Nothing is going to happen with my friend. And we both know it. Its just nice having a friend, you know? I've found myself drinking a lot.more too. Not even with people but by myself... Taking sleeping pills. Sometimes it feels.like I'm falling apart and nothing can put me back together. I'm just gonna keep falling apart this there isn't anything else left of me...