I Have Issues

There is something wrong with me. I am sick, I am a sick person. I have a good life, so many things going for me. And yet I continually screw everything up. I am in content and am sliding backwards. As each day passes I become a worse person not a better one. I am distant and hard, and yet feel so lost and lonely when there is nobody around to see.

I know you don't want to read about this, who would. But I am selfish. I am not writing for you this time but for me. This is for me. So I can think or at least breath.

Why do I not cry? Why don't I break down when things are bad? Why do I squander what is good?

I feel so irresponsible. Younger me would hate the person I have become. The selfish failure, the broken down loser. Afraid of commitment, so full of himself. The things that mattered slide away. Is it my fault? am I the product of my environment or controlled by it? Where has my sense of self gone?

I chase cheep thrills and shy away from real accomplishment because it is hard. I am distracted and unfocused. I talk big and walk small.

I didn't used to be this way. When I was younger I worked hard. I did well. I was smart and successful. I managed my money carefully and was cautious. I was polite, courteous, charming even. I was hopeful. I was committed to what I believed in and who I was close to.

Now I let ideas and people go. I am afraid of commitment. I am without direction or meaningful purpose. Now I am crass and slack. I take the easy way over the hard. I am sliding into decay and know not how to stop it.

This midnight moments of clarity leave me feeling like a piece of shit but don't bring change. People should hate me. The only reason they like me is because they don't know how big a screw up I am because I had behind the shadow of what I used to be. I talk like I study hard and work hard. I pretend to have innocence. I feign interest and faith. I where the mask when there are people near that can see. I am a dishonest hypocrite.