I Have a Sleep Disorder
I didn’t know it was a disorder. I hid my naps like a dirty little secret. I thought I was lazy and worthless growing up. It started being a big problem in highschool, but I hid it very well. It wasn’t until I realized I didn’t trust myself to drive alone that I admitted to my mom I had a problem. The Diagnoses and subsequent medicating was life changing. Suddenly feeling awake was amazing. No more falling asleep during tests or having to pull off the road because of a sleep attack. I lost weight! I felt like a real person- I could get SO MUCH DONE! My sleep schedule had to be kept rigid, but when you only need the amount of sleep normal people need you have SOOOO much more time!
Even when I went off the meds to have a baby years later it wasn’t so bad. I knew the sleep attacks werent normal- so I didn’t loathe myself and I wasn’t depressed. I just had to focus on the reward and fight through it.
Before I was medicated I had the lucid dreams bad: I had false memories from them. It was weird. Sleep paralysis? Yup. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone- terrifying. Hallucinations? Yes. Just...yes. Cataplexy? I don’t think so. High stress did trigger a heavy sleep attack, but I don’t think I lost muscle control. I would just partially fall asleep... sometimes keep scribbling in my sleep. Hard to explain that to a professor- lol.
It’s tough. It’s taught me a lot. I know how it feels to fight that while still growing up. I still have this fearful relationship with sleep. I don’t trust it. I don’t believe I am tired if I feel tired- because of the years of sleep attacks. I keep a tight sleep schedule- don’t want to feed the monster more than it needs. Ha. Probably sounds weird- I mean who hates a nap?
Sleep... it’s just like a sirens call. Even on meds I have ‘down times’ that are usually easy to focus through. But I never want to lose so much of my life to sleep again.
Even when I went off the meds to have a baby years later it wasn’t so bad. I knew the sleep attacks werent normal- so I didn’t loathe myself and I wasn’t depressed. I just had to focus on the reward and fight through it.
Before I was medicated I had the lucid dreams bad: I had false memories from them. It was weird. Sleep paralysis? Yup. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone- terrifying. Hallucinations? Yes. Just...yes. Cataplexy? I don’t think so. High stress did trigger a heavy sleep attack, but I don’t think I lost muscle control. I would just partially fall asleep... sometimes keep scribbling in my sleep. Hard to explain that to a professor- lol.
It’s tough. It’s taught me a lot. I know how it feels to fight that while still growing up. I still have this fearful relationship with sleep. I don’t trust it. I don’t believe I am tired if I feel tired- because of the years of sleep attacks. I keep a tight sleep schedule- don’t want to feed the monster more than it needs. Ha. Probably sounds weird- I mean who hates a nap?
Sleep... it’s just like a sirens call. Even on meds I have ‘down times’ that are usually easy to focus through. But I never want to lose so much of my life to sleep again.
31-35, F
