I Am Afraid of Failure
Normally I am really positive & motivated person but since the month of July I've been in a real funk. Early July I came back home (Michigan) from Cali. I loved it there and left so happy with my life. I asked my aunt to allow me to move in with her and finish up school in the fall and she accepted. Cali has always been my favorite and the city I live in now is a piece of shit small town with no opportunity but only drama, stds & drugs. So this was huge for me. I was so ready to change my life and begin my life as a young adult. Leave behind toxic restrictive ways and start a new life. But I also wanted to make the most of my summer and memories because afterall I do have love for my city and the people I've gotten to know. This is what got me in trouble with my very strict mom. She kept catching me in situations which she did not like. This left me feeling like a huge disappointment but for some reason I couldn't just stay home and sacrifice my freedom, even knowing that if I had gotten in enough trouble I would ruin my chances of moving to Cali.
That's exactly what I ended up doing. my aunt no longer wanted to allow me to live with her when a person who must hate me sent a video of me with marijuana to my ENTIRE family. Whom live overseas with very traditional and religious beliefs. This was a huge deal and I could see I had broken my moms heart more than ever. She is a woman that takes respect and her reputation very seriously so there was nothing more shameful. I literally became the disappointment of my entire family if I already wasn't. This made my mom want to keep me home even more but I'm 20, she couldn't stop me. I would come home late every day and cause even more conflict. Staying home, even though it was what it would take to heal our relationship, was really hard because I could see how much I destroyed it. I honestly could feel the regret my mom had for my birth. This is a huge conflict for me because everyone wants nothing more than to make their parents proud. But for some reason it seems like being myself is doing the exact opposite. I've been battle for years being myself, and following my dress vs being my moms perfect and only child. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be both. This was all the past just to make what's going on now make more sense. Today, I haven't been home in over a month. I've only spoken to my mom twice, ignoring all my family's calls and messages. I left one day and just haven't come back. It wasn't intentional or planned but it's just how things happened. It's not that living with friends and sabotaging my relationship with my family is what I want or even what makes me happy. I've Been doing nothing but thinking and planning my return but haven't worked the courage. In the past months I also stopped going to classes going from a 3.0 to a 0, and I've neglected my legal duties so now have a warrant, and have lost two job opportunities. I have been my worst enemy and have no clue why I'm doing this to myself. All I want is to do is start fixing I've destroyed.
That's exactly what I ended up doing. my aunt no longer wanted to allow me to live with her when a person who must hate me sent a video of me with marijuana to my ENTIRE family. Whom live overseas with very traditional and religious beliefs. This was a huge deal and I could see I had broken my moms heart more than ever. She is a woman that takes respect and her reputation very seriously so there was nothing more shameful. I literally became the disappointment of my entire family if I already wasn't. This made my mom want to keep me home even more but I'm 20, she couldn't stop me. I would come home late every day and cause even more conflict. Staying home, even though it was what it would take to heal our relationship, was really hard because I could see how much I destroyed it. I honestly could feel the regret my mom had for my birth. This is a huge conflict for me because everyone wants nothing more than to make their parents proud. But for some reason it seems like being myself is doing the exact opposite. I've been battle for years being myself, and following my dress vs being my moms perfect and only child. I couldn't understand why I couldn't be both. This was all the past just to make what's going on now make more sense. Today, I haven't been home in over a month. I've only spoken to my mom twice, ignoring all my family's calls and messages. I left one day and just haven't come back. It wasn't intentional or planned but it's just how things happened. It's not that living with friends and sabotaging my relationship with my family is what I want or even what makes me happy. I've Been doing nothing but thinking and planning my return but haven't worked the courage. In the past months I also stopped going to classes going from a 3.0 to a 0, and I've neglected my legal duties so now have a warrant, and have lost two job opportunities. I have been my worst enemy and have no clue why I'm doing this to myself. All I want is to do is start fixing I've destroyed.
