I Miss My Mom So Much

Trying So Hard To Deal, Well Avoid... So I'm in deep shit with the amount of taxes owed on her house, but I found a way to get some money. Hopefully then they will work with me. But I was filling taxes from 2010 and I started to tear up as I did so. Knowing she's not here, knowing that I'm settling her estate and have been trying to for some time. But of all things, her freaking taxes bring me to tears lol
Fact is, all the bullshit, the drunken crap, the abuse, the fights. I miss her, and I loved her very much. She was one of the rare few alcoholics I've met who was a good person sober. She was so awesome and funny and she loved life. Which is so confusing to why she chose to die. At the end of the day, what she did was suicide to me, and I will never understand it. I have a lot of anger, but at the same time I just miss her so damn bad. I'm hoping to have that damn house gone soon. But I know with selling it, comes a lot of grief. I'm afraid of that, I want the house gone most of all. But I'm scared of the emotions that will come with it. I'm letting go of so much, and trying so hard to let go of the anger. Thank god for my therapist lol
It's crazy, most people probably have no problem accepting the fact that they miss their parent. But me, it's so hard, I feel guilt because I miss her. Ugh this stuff is a damn mess