I Lose Control Of My Anger Sometimes

I feel like a monster sometimes. that ugly green eyed green skinned monster that can't control his temper/emotions. I wasn't always like this. i wasn't always pushy. i wasn't always aggressive... until the world got to me and sucked me in as one of its poor unfortunate souls. it saddens me. i feel this strong gnawing pain of guilt when i get pushy or aggressive. i become forceful and in a way people dont understand. i've been walked on and dismissed and bullied for the majority of my life. imagine what that does to someones self esteem. imagine what that'll do to someones character. if i feel dismissed or like someones shutting me up or cornering me i tend to push back. i used to be afraid to push back... but now i wont let nothing stand in my way if i can help it. i really do feel like a bad person when i get like this. especially when i stand my ground. it hurts to look in the mirror at times when i see this side of myself. never did i expect my own mother to call me a bully. but... she means well.. she says its the way i come off to others or how i express myself. especially when i continue to pick and pick to get someones attention. she thinks thats bullying. as far as my minds concerned i just want someone to hear me. when i told her i feel as small as a cricket when i do that, yelling at the top of my lungs... she understood. because she knows what i've been through these last 10-15 years of my life. so i think shes just trying to get me to see what other people may see. but i also want her to see how other people treat me too ( which she knows) but sometimes i feel as if i have to paint a picture for her until she really see it. and usually if its colorful enough... she gets it. we bring the best out of eachother... thats what mother's and daughters are for. i've taken what shes told me considerably and i see it... and i plan on changing. its not what you say... it's how you say it. and sometimes its the behavior that comes with it.