I Want to Tell My Story

He told me he loved me and my whole world stopped. My world stopped and I was frozen. Frozen, staring into his world as he stared into the windows of my soul. My world was frozen but my insides were on fire and I stood burning in hell and looking into the eyes of an angel as memories of your smile came so vividly stampeding through my mind. I would buy a sharpei just to see that smile again every day. Memories of random car rides where we smiled and laughed and we said that we wanted to just drive forever into the horizon holding only onto the dreams for our future. I can still feel the warmth of the sun through the windshield. I was only for a moment but it felt like an eternity that I was trapped in a memory of which you hugged me and I felt weightless but you kept me grounded. You held my hands and although my anxiety got to me frequently and my palms got sweaty you wouldn’t ever pull away. So why then have we pulled away from each other?... he told me he loved me and once I swallowed our memories and chased them down with my mixed up feelings, I could finally see his face again, so full of innocence, promise and desire. Right after I caught my breath I told him that I loved him too and I do! Every day it becomes more clear my dear, I love him for all the hugs that keep me safe but do not smother me, for the way he tames my wild heart in all the right ways. For the way that I can now sleep through the night and not wake to an imprint of where my lover should be. I love him for how he gives me a spoon with my eggs even though everyone thinks it’s silly, so does he and even I know it’s a little strange but ‘forks are the devil’ and he knows it and for whatever reason, he says he loves me and respects my being weird and all the while he makes me feel normal. And I love that, and I love him for that because well, I’ve never really been or felt. Normal….

This is a piece I wrote as I moved on from a relationship that I was in for a decade. Needless to say we both had scar tissue from our claws that sunk deep into the flesh of our relationship but at the end of the day we were not meant to be and the one i have now is my angel, he has saved me and brought me to the door of grace in which I am currently walking through! Thanks for reading everyone!