I Feel Like A Part Of Me Is Missing
Moving Forward... I haven't seen a doctor since... Hmmm. Probably since middle school. Maybe even before that. I know how important it is to get regular check-ups, especially when you get married. I have not gotten any. So every time I go through a strange, physical ailment, I can't help but wonder. What if these headaches are unnatural? What if these stomach pains are something serious? What about these cramps? I typically just brush off physical pain. I don't make a big deal out of any of it. I eat well and exercise and do very well taking care of myself. Well, to the best of my ability. The last few months, I have been having abnormal genital bleeding. I know it's not my period. I have been regular since 13. I know I am not pregnant. I have had a miscarriage in the past. And I am certain that that is not the factor. Recent changes I have made in my lifestyle is that I am exercising a lot more. At first I thought I was pushing too hard. Last month, I cramped up severely and bleed a little bit. Last night, after a run, I cramped up again. The cramping isn't typical to me. I felt like it was different. And lo and behold, I was bleeding again. As stated, I don't typically worry and I don't freak out. I am usually optimistic that these things will pass. I guess you can say that I strongly believe that our bodies are capable of self-healing. But what if...???
I guess realistically, I have to imagine the what ifs, right? Lately I have been wondering if this issue is serious. What if something is TRULY wrong with me? I question if I can continue working out as heavily as I do. Physical health is VERY important to me! What if it is very serious? I am so young. I am only 31. But what if, what if, what if???
I look at my life. I am utterly miserable in my marriage. I have been with the same man for almost 14 years, married for 12. I know in my gut that he and I do not belong with one another. It just isn't working for the two of us. Life is unpredictable. We can live long lives. Or we can live short ones. But we do not know which one falls under for us. I don't know what will happen to me next week, next year, 5 years from now, or even 10. All I know is that I have to make the best out of the "now".
I need to get out of my current relationship. He needs someone who will fit him more appropriately as do I. I WANT to be happy. I am a good person. I DESERVE to be happy. I have never had any trouble attracting others. I am a very likeable, enthusiastic, and goofy person. Even during marriage, I have attracted many others. I have even involved myself with a handful during periods of separation with my husband. I know what I can put on the table with a partnership. I know my abilities and the intriguing things that I can offer. The husband has a horrible communication disability. I think years of his childhood has affected him severely. I used to think I can help break those spells. It's been years. Maybe I am not the one for him. Maybe it is not my duty to help him. Maybe he needs to start working on himself.
The last man I was involved with who REALLY wanted to be with me kept telling me that. That I needed to start thinking about myself and allow the husband to figure things out on his own. That there is a world of wonder and opportunity out there for me, but I chose to remain by husband's side. That I was wasting away my life. I was in denial of this. Now I look at my life, I think about it being so unpredictable, and I question if he was correct.
As I cringe at these horrible cramps wondering if this is something serious, I wonder what I need to do to amend the emptiness I have in my life. A part of me is missing. A part that I tell myself I don't need or that I don't care for. Maybe this guy DID hit it right on the nail. Why am I throwing away my life in hopes that "I" can be the person husband needs? I have helped and guided him since the beginning. When will someone be there for me? Shouldn't I start putting myself first? When do I start making MYSELF a priority? Life is way to unpredictable.
I need to set up some goals in motion. I still care for husband and I think it would be best to make sure we are both financially secure/stable. We need to start putting money into savings, figure out living arrangements, looking into roommates, all that good stuff. I need stable employment, I need to finish my education, get my career on the right path. I've been struggling with this Master's program for SOOO long. I need to get my head screwed on right.
Husband and I truly do care for one another, and on some level, really do love each other. But I think he and I are both aware that our union is not the healthiest. Separation is best. And I am sure that we will still see each other as family.
I have regrets in my life that I need to amend. I have learned from mistakes, grown from experiences, and evolved through personal wisdom. I am not the same person I was yesterday, or last year, 5 years ago, or during high school. I am thankful for all that I have been through. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not gone through all that I have. But it is time to start new, start fresh, take the old slate and pour on new concrete. Achieve the next level. Going forward. Stepping onto something higher. I need to search for my own happiness. I am wiser now. Years of my past has taught me well. I want to learn more. And grow more. Evolve. I need to close the door to my past or the circumstances I am currently in, especially when I find they do not work for me. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Life is waaay too unpredictable. Tomorrow may be our last day...
I guess realistically, I have to imagine the what ifs, right? Lately I have been wondering if this issue is serious. What if something is TRULY wrong with me? I question if I can continue working out as heavily as I do. Physical health is VERY important to me! What if it is very serious? I am so young. I am only 31. But what if, what if, what if???
I look at my life. I am utterly miserable in my marriage. I have been with the same man for almost 14 years, married for 12. I know in my gut that he and I do not belong with one another. It just isn't working for the two of us. Life is unpredictable. We can live long lives. Or we can live short ones. But we do not know which one falls under for us. I don't know what will happen to me next week, next year, 5 years from now, or even 10. All I know is that I have to make the best out of the "now".
I need to get out of my current relationship. He needs someone who will fit him more appropriately as do I. I WANT to be happy. I am a good person. I DESERVE to be happy. I have never had any trouble attracting others. I am a very likeable, enthusiastic, and goofy person. Even during marriage, I have attracted many others. I have even involved myself with a handful during periods of separation with my husband. I know what I can put on the table with a partnership. I know my abilities and the intriguing things that I can offer. The husband has a horrible communication disability. I think years of his childhood has affected him severely. I used to think I can help break those spells. It's been years. Maybe I am not the one for him. Maybe it is not my duty to help him. Maybe he needs to start working on himself.
The last man I was involved with who REALLY wanted to be with me kept telling me that. That I needed to start thinking about myself and allow the husband to figure things out on his own. That there is a world of wonder and opportunity out there for me, but I chose to remain by husband's side. That I was wasting away my life. I was in denial of this. Now I look at my life, I think about it being so unpredictable, and I question if he was correct.
As I cringe at these horrible cramps wondering if this is something serious, I wonder what I need to do to amend the emptiness I have in my life. A part of me is missing. A part that I tell myself I don't need or that I don't care for. Maybe this guy DID hit it right on the nail. Why am I throwing away my life in hopes that "I" can be the person husband needs? I have helped and guided him since the beginning. When will someone be there for me? Shouldn't I start putting myself first? When do I start making MYSELF a priority? Life is way to unpredictable.
I need to set up some goals in motion. I still care for husband and I think it would be best to make sure we are both financially secure/stable. We need to start putting money into savings, figure out living arrangements, looking into roommates, all that good stuff. I need stable employment, I need to finish my education, get my career on the right path. I've been struggling with this Master's program for SOOO long. I need to get my head screwed on right.
Husband and I truly do care for one another, and on some level, really do love each other. But I think he and I are both aware that our union is not the healthiest. Separation is best. And I am sure that we will still see each other as family.
I have regrets in my life that I need to amend. I have learned from mistakes, grown from experiences, and evolved through personal wisdom. I am not the same person I was yesterday, or last year, 5 years ago, or during high school. I am thankful for all that I have been through. I wouldn't be who I am today had I not gone through all that I have. But it is time to start new, start fresh, take the old slate and pour on new concrete. Achieve the next level. Going forward. Stepping onto something higher. I need to search for my own happiness. I am wiser now. Years of my past has taught me well. I want to learn more. And grow more. Evolve. I need to close the door to my past or the circumstances I am currently in, especially when I find they do not work for me. I mean, isn't that what life is all about? Life is waaay too unpredictable. Tomorrow may be our last day...
