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I Want to Pull Myself Back Together

Journal entry 22- Broken Frame

I wish to be a broken frame.
I wish to tear down the image of myself marked and scorched in the minds that knew me.

Who we are is important. It shapes everything about our lives.

I don't fully understand it. I expect one day I'll understand it all.

I only understand it in parts. I was hurting, so my own wounds made me fearful and defensive.

But I need to break past this weight I keep carrying.

I can do more if I can just let go. Apologize when people ask for it, but focus on the betters I can provide.

But I struggle with guilt. The guilt keeps pulling me back. I remember it, and I hate it. It wasn't me, yet it was. It was the pain boiling over. Too much heat in a pot. Beyond what was needed. It boiled over.

But I know I can reach a better path. I'm so close.

But fear grips me as well. It's a war with two fronts to fight.

I wake up remembering what I lost. How I hurt the one I love. How I made her enter into a world of pain. This is never what I wanted for her.

I just want to entertain others and support them.

Bring about deep moments, as well as the joyful ones.

There are promises we made, that I want us both to remember again.

I need to do this, for you.

I need to remember every word you said. And I slowly am.

I'm happy for you, I really am. But when you're so distant, that's what is like a wound to me.

Please let us reach a better path together.

I want to be closer to when you met me. But beyond.

For three days I'm going to go on a quiet journey of sorts. You'll always be in my heart with me.

I can see a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and hands outstretched to take us both..

 
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