I Want to Pull Myself Back Together
Journal entry 22- Broken Frame
I wish to be a broken frame.
I wish to tear down the image of myself marked and scorched in the minds that knew me.
Who we are is important. It shapes everything about our lives.
I don't fully understand it. I expect one day I'll understand it all.
I only understand it in parts. I was hurting, so my own wounds made me fearful and defensive.
But I need to break past this weight I keep carrying.
I can do more if I can just let go. Apologize when people ask for it, but focus on the betters I can provide.
But I struggle with guilt. The guilt keeps pulling me back. I remember it, and I hate it. It wasn't me, yet it was. It was the pain boiling over. Too much heat in a pot. Beyond what was needed. It boiled over.
But I know I can reach a better path. I'm so close.
But fear grips me as well. It's a war with two fronts to fight.
I wake up remembering what I lost. How I hurt the one I love. How I made her enter into a world of pain. This is never what I wanted for her.
I just want to entertain others and support them.
Bring about deep moments, as well as the joyful ones.
There are promises we made, that I want us both to remember again.
I need to do this, for you.
I need to remember every word you said. And I slowly am.
I'm happy for you, I really am. But when you're so distant, that's what is like a wound to me.
Please let us reach a better path together.
I want to be closer to when you met me. But beyond.
For three days I'm going to go on a quiet journey of sorts. You'll always be in my heart with me.
I can see a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and hands outstretched to take us both..
I wish to be a broken frame.
I wish to tear down the image of myself marked and scorched in the minds that knew me.
Who we are is important. It shapes everything about our lives.
I don't fully understand it. I expect one day I'll understand it all.
I only understand it in parts. I was hurting, so my own wounds made me fearful and defensive.
But I need to break past this weight I keep carrying.
I can do more if I can just let go. Apologize when people ask for it, but focus on the betters I can provide.
But I struggle with guilt. The guilt keeps pulling me back. I remember it, and I hate it. It wasn't me, yet it was. It was the pain boiling over. Too much heat in a pot. Beyond what was needed. It boiled over.
But I know I can reach a better path. I'm so close.
But fear grips me as well. It's a war with two fronts to fight.
I wake up remembering what I lost. How I hurt the one I love. How I made her enter into a world of pain. This is never what I wanted for her.
I just want to entertain others and support them.
Bring about deep moments, as well as the joyful ones.
There are promises we made, that I want us both to remember again.
I need to do this, for you.
I need to remember every word you said. And I slowly am.
I'm happy for you, I really am. But when you're so distant, that's what is like a wound to me.
Please let us reach a better path together.
I want to be closer to when you met me. But beyond.
For three days I'm going to go on a quiet journey of sorts. You'll always be in my heart with me.
I can see a light at the end of this dark tunnel, and hands outstretched to take us both..