I Stopped Cutting

For now..

Arms or thighs? Razor or something else..?

I haven't cut or branded for a while but the urges are still ever present. Sometimes they are worse than others..

Even though I haven't been cutting or burning myself I can't deny that I have continued to self harm.. I deliberately inflict pain on myself, whether that's by lifting weights until I can no longer physically move my arms, punching holes in walls, hitting myself with a hammer or a motorcycle chain, binging and purging, dislocating fingers...

There's always a way..

But it's never enough, nothing is ever enough.. I need that searing burning pain of the brands, the blood flowing, dripping from stinging gashes as the knife slices effortlessly through my skin..

But even that is nothing, a mere drop in the ocean compared to the overwhelming numbness and pain inside, the drowning feeling of slipping ever deeper into the abyss. There is no longer a speck of light in sight, there is no rope long enough to reach a fraction of the way needed to haul me from the depths, only the noose tightening round my throat and the dragging weight around my ankles stretching my sanity ever thinner until it eventually tears like a cheap tissue

Death is inevitable for all of us but it would be blessed relief to be finally free from this cursed existence once and for all...