I Lost Love
Hello Universe,
First thing I want to say is - for all those who are suffering my heart goes out to you.
Now, I am writing my story - I am writing to get it out of my head, to write and read back to myself to see if doing so gives some relief. Maybe I am doing it for the want of something to do - another distraction.
I am a 51 year old single male. I have not really lived an exceptional life but I never really conformed - I loathed the idea for working for others so over the years I tried many small ways to make a living - when I tried I somehow felt "better" than those who did the 9-5 stint - this is of course, not true but that drove me to work hard - that stupid belief that I was a success and somehow special - but I did it - several times and along the way became a workaholic - I met many women who I had some great relationships with - but at the slightest relationship problem I turned back on them and worked and simply took these women for granted - hey I was a catch right? No I was an idiot.
Don't get me wrong, I was a loving, generous, fun, caring man and these relationships lasted years - but I so easily gave up on them - it was like work was a drug and I was making money and I partly believed that this drive / ambition / passion with "knowing my goal" dedication etc what was what attracted these women to me. So I had to keep it. Then I met the most amazing woman but there was long distance between us, but we managed to keep it together for a few years before I yet again took her for granted and commited to work and looking for a woman closer to home - I just casually dropped her. Within a a month of doing this I realised I had made a huge mistake and re-connected. We planned to be together - the love the passion was the deepest I have ever felt - then all my businesses crashed - I lost everything - it seemed impossible to be together yet we planned and we planned and waited and time just stood still - I worked harder than ever to recover and get to a financial & settled stage where we could be together, yet nothing ever happened - I never quite got back to where I was.
This went on for 5 years! I worked, kept busy and it is amazing how even though she was not actually present other than phone call/ letters /gifts /skype etc (although do not take anything away from this - if was as real emotionally as could be) but it felt right and it really felt things would work out, the sacrifice seemed somehow romantic to not be with each other yet being the price to pay as such love does not come easy. I dedicated all my resources to working to get back to her - all that mattered was to yet again be a success and be with her - the success was ONLY so I could be with her. And I worked and worked. It sounds like madness but still. Eventually she saw through the madness but refused to let me go - I refused to let her go - so we carried on. Fast forward another 5 years! Yes ...10 now since I last saw her. Who does this? Why did nothing happen ...why just plans without action - there were always reasons ...not yet ....soon ... and there were of course genuine reasons - take my word for it but at the same time many were excuses.
So finally we stopped communicating - for a year! 4 Months ago I reconnected yet again with her - I feel - what I feel and that is this overwhelming love and desire to be with her and I have worked 10 years with just one goal to be with her - now finally no excuses - the genuine reasons are no longer there - all is possible I did it - I got back - there is no reason at all to not do it. So I offered - everything!
Of course to little ..and vastly too late - I know in truth, she stopped loving and caring 10 years ago despite all the words and plans. She is still single but she just can't see me - she says she wants but can't, she can't have the responsibilty. We still talk - often myself keeping it open and getting limited responses - as I say it died - was over years ago but I never let go and I tell her so - the last 10 years of my life were dedicated to be with her, it is all I lived for - not the work, the money, the success - just a means to an end - 4 months ago since I reconnected - ALL that matters was her finally being with me - everyday for the last 4 months to this day - I hardly eat, I do not work, I do not see friends (the ones that are still likely to be there) I talk about her to all who care to listen, I think of her morning noon and night - I see her everywhere - I care for nothing else - like all the passion I ever had for everything is now 100% targeted on her - I get no joy out of anything - everything I could possibly do - nothing matters. Each night I curl up in tears on the floor - each morning the same - I am just feeling like I am in eternal grief and it is getting worse. I smoke heavily now and starting to drink - my only brief respite. I am a shadow of who I used to be but worse - I blame who I used to be on letting her go the first time around and staying in my comfortable illusional life and never ever really seeing what I had and now I am consumed with regret and loss - I now feel I will endure this daily existence until I die - it has been 4 months since I finally realised it is over and it is getting worse not better. I simply see no joy in anything yes there are blessings yet I do not care. I see myself in 10, 20, 30 years - in a dark room just a decayed, shrivelled tormented soul that can never be loved and who really would love such a man? - certainly not she. I am not interested in work or meeting anyone else and I am ready to just quit and let the results of that punish me further. I still have hope that she will return -I want to die but I wont for the only reason - after that I really wont ever see her again. That is equally as bad as living with it. I see I was driven only to be with her and now she is gone - I feel the wasted years, the crushed dream, the futility and I am in such pain nothing will ever be worth living for - so I don't live - I exist, going through the needs of the body and that is it. I starve myself so much until the relief of hunger pain is a reason to do something. I choose to waste away and let it go and I simply do not care. The days just drag and drag - I am aware of every long second and it feels like eternity - the small glimmer of hope of a text message from her, it comes once a week - but nothing of note - it is a torment yet I can't let her go - delete her - remove her- break the connection again - as all hope will eternally stop and then I will really feel there is nothing to live for.
Yet, the man I have become is never going to be the man she wants and that simply pushes me further and further in to this darkness. She deserves better and I am never going to be good enough no matter what I do - I had it all and still it was not enough.
First thing I want to say is - for all those who are suffering my heart goes out to you.
Now, I am writing my story - I am writing to get it out of my head, to write and read back to myself to see if doing so gives some relief. Maybe I am doing it for the want of something to do - another distraction.
I am a 51 year old single male. I have not really lived an exceptional life but I never really conformed - I loathed the idea for working for others so over the years I tried many small ways to make a living - when I tried I somehow felt "better" than those who did the 9-5 stint - this is of course, not true but that drove me to work hard - that stupid belief that I was a success and somehow special - but I did it - several times and along the way became a workaholic - I met many women who I had some great relationships with - but at the slightest relationship problem I turned back on them and worked and simply took these women for granted - hey I was a catch right? No I was an idiot.
Don't get me wrong, I was a loving, generous, fun, caring man and these relationships lasted years - but I so easily gave up on them - it was like work was a drug and I was making money and I partly believed that this drive / ambition / passion with "knowing my goal" dedication etc what was what attracted these women to me. So I had to keep it. Then I met the most amazing woman but there was long distance between us, but we managed to keep it together for a few years before I yet again took her for granted and commited to work and looking for a woman closer to home - I just casually dropped her. Within a a month of doing this I realised I had made a huge mistake and re-connected. We planned to be together - the love the passion was the deepest I have ever felt - then all my businesses crashed - I lost everything - it seemed impossible to be together yet we planned and we planned and waited and time just stood still - I worked harder than ever to recover and get to a financial & settled stage where we could be together, yet nothing ever happened - I never quite got back to where I was.
This went on for 5 years! I worked, kept busy and it is amazing how even though she was not actually present other than phone call/ letters /gifts /skype etc (although do not take anything away from this - if was as real emotionally as could be) but it felt right and it really felt things would work out, the sacrifice seemed somehow romantic to not be with each other yet being the price to pay as such love does not come easy. I dedicated all my resources to working to get back to her - all that mattered was to yet again be a success and be with her - the success was ONLY so I could be with her. And I worked and worked. It sounds like madness but still. Eventually she saw through the madness but refused to let me go - I refused to let her go - so we carried on. Fast forward another 5 years! Yes ...10 now since I last saw her. Who does this? Why did nothing happen ...why just plans without action - there were always reasons ...not yet ....soon ... and there were of course genuine reasons - take my word for it but at the same time many were excuses.
So finally we stopped communicating - for a year! 4 Months ago I reconnected yet again with her - I feel - what I feel and that is this overwhelming love and desire to be with her and I have worked 10 years with just one goal to be with her - now finally no excuses - the genuine reasons are no longer there - all is possible I did it - I got back - there is no reason at all to not do it. So I offered - everything!
Of course to little ..and vastly too late - I know in truth, she stopped loving and caring 10 years ago despite all the words and plans. She is still single but she just can't see me - she says she wants but can't, she can't have the responsibilty. We still talk - often myself keeping it open and getting limited responses - as I say it died - was over years ago but I never let go and I tell her so - the last 10 years of my life were dedicated to be with her, it is all I lived for - not the work, the money, the success - just a means to an end - 4 months ago since I reconnected - ALL that matters was her finally being with me - everyday for the last 4 months to this day - I hardly eat, I do not work, I do not see friends (the ones that are still likely to be there) I talk about her to all who care to listen, I think of her morning noon and night - I see her everywhere - I care for nothing else - like all the passion I ever had for everything is now 100% targeted on her - I get no joy out of anything - everything I could possibly do - nothing matters. Each night I curl up in tears on the floor - each morning the same - I am just feeling like I am in eternal grief and it is getting worse. I smoke heavily now and starting to drink - my only brief respite. I am a shadow of who I used to be but worse - I blame who I used to be on letting her go the first time around and staying in my comfortable illusional life and never ever really seeing what I had and now I am consumed with regret and loss - I now feel I will endure this daily existence until I die - it has been 4 months since I finally realised it is over and it is getting worse not better. I simply see no joy in anything yes there are blessings yet I do not care. I see myself in 10, 20, 30 years - in a dark room just a decayed, shrivelled tormented soul that can never be loved and who really would love such a man? - certainly not she. I am not interested in work or meeting anyone else and I am ready to just quit and let the results of that punish me further. I still have hope that she will return -I want to die but I wont for the only reason - after that I really wont ever see her again. That is equally as bad as living with it. I see I was driven only to be with her and now she is gone - I feel the wasted years, the crushed dream, the futility and I am in such pain nothing will ever be worth living for - so I don't live - I exist, going through the needs of the body and that is it. I starve myself so much until the relief of hunger pain is a reason to do something. I choose to waste away and let it go and I simply do not care. The days just drag and drag - I am aware of every long second and it feels like eternity - the small glimmer of hope of a text message from her, it comes once a week - but nothing of note - it is a torment yet I can't let her go - delete her - remove her- break the connection again - as all hope will eternally stop and then I will really feel there is nothing to live for.
Yet, the man I have become is never going to be the man she wants and that simply pushes me further and further in to this darkness. She deserves better and I am never going to be good enough no matter what I do - I had it all and still it was not enough.
