I Have Written Letters That I Can Never Send
This is the first one I've written like this. As a draft, but to be displayed in public to gain views and support. So here goes.
I'm fed up. Truth be told, I really truly am. Our relationship seems to have circles. Lots of circles. We push each other slightly farther than we would ideally like to be pushed, then we stretch our own consciousnesses to be wide enough to accommodate, we begin to understand the perspective of the other, then we drift back into normality, rinse and repeat.
Example is finances. You worry we simply won't have enough to raise a family. Yet many people around the world do just that with nothing. I see us as very much middle of the road. Agreed without your job it would be hard, and you should have equal rights and abilities to spend time with our children. That stress seems disproportionately great in you. But that's my own view differing from yours.
Another example - what I want to do with my life. I have 2 visions. One I am wise, I wish to share that wisdom with the rest of the human race. These are simply lessons I have learned from the likes of Neighbours, films, books, history lessons, geography lessons, Facebook groups and documentaries. I want that wisdom to penetrate deep into the human race and allow us to fulfill our potential.
Another vision is a new political order: an online forum where we have a quarter dedicated to highlighting issues to deal with. Then a quarter condensing them down into big issues. Another quarter creating bills to put up for voting on. Another quarter to cost out those bills. Then we vote. Then for the next 4 years (or so) government is there simply to implement those bills that were voted in. Why should we vote for a few people, who are then able to do whatever the hell they want? We should be able to guarantee that they will work for our interests, by simply democratically voting on policies.
Those are my visions. That is what I want to work towards. But I majored in physics. Retraining in anything will cost a fortune. Psychotherapy? Counselling? Clinical Psychology even? Politics? Databa<x>se management? Learn to manage internet forums? Graduate management scheme? ... Where to turn from this point? No idea.
She's mad at me for that. But she's also mad at herself. She's only just coming to realise that as she tries to decide whether to leave "paradise" and come back to England, or to stay out there with all the troubles she's faced. Stubbornness refused to let her look favourably at staying put in paradise. But now her Dad is there, that stubbornness is caving in and paradise does indeed seem a little more inticing. And I sit here in limbo. Not knowing whether we're going to get married so I can stay out there with her, or if I'm staying here, if I'm moving to a different city to be with her, once again giving up a job and having to hunt down a new one.
So, my dear, I'm frustrated. That we go around these circles. I want us to be more giving. Giving of our ideals. Chipping a little bit off to sacrifice for the other. But I don't know if that's right.
And I'm drifting off to sleep so I don't really know where this is going. You love my patience. But it's waning. I have seriously had about enough. I *almost* cheated on you once because you neglected me for so so long. That's not an excuse. It happened, the thing that tipped it was that neglect. But I didn't. It hurt you all the same. Well this is hurting me now. Hurting me like that. That I *see* other women again. I feel attraction, the flutter in my heart as some of them smile.
It will be strange to see you once more at last next month. We felt huge electricity when you landed in London at Christmas. We knew it wasn't over then. I hope the same happens this time when I land in Durban. Otherwise I fear I might take someone else down with me, when I fall. And you might also, but in a very different way.
I hope that we truly do still love each other. I hope that I have not simply been helping you out of a self destructive mode. I hope that I have not in fact helped you into one by tugging the spring and now it pings you back down.
I'm tired. I think I must sleep now. Goodnight.
I'm fed up. Truth be told, I really truly am. Our relationship seems to have circles. Lots of circles. We push each other slightly farther than we would ideally like to be pushed, then we stretch our own consciousnesses to be wide enough to accommodate, we begin to understand the perspective of the other, then we drift back into normality, rinse and repeat.
Example is finances. You worry we simply won't have enough to raise a family. Yet many people around the world do just that with nothing. I see us as very much middle of the road. Agreed without your job it would be hard, and you should have equal rights and abilities to spend time with our children. That stress seems disproportionately great in you. But that's my own view differing from yours.
Another example - what I want to do with my life. I have 2 visions. One I am wise, I wish to share that wisdom with the rest of the human race. These are simply lessons I have learned from the likes of Neighbours, films, books, history lessons, geography lessons, Facebook groups and documentaries. I want that wisdom to penetrate deep into the human race and allow us to fulfill our potential.
Another vision is a new political order: an online forum where we have a quarter dedicated to highlighting issues to deal with. Then a quarter condensing them down into big issues. Another quarter creating bills to put up for voting on. Another quarter to cost out those bills. Then we vote. Then for the next 4 years (or so) government is there simply to implement those bills that were voted in. Why should we vote for a few people, who are then able to do whatever the hell they want? We should be able to guarantee that they will work for our interests, by simply democratically voting on policies.
Those are my visions. That is what I want to work towards. But I majored in physics. Retraining in anything will cost a fortune. Psychotherapy? Counselling? Clinical Psychology even? Politics? Databa<x>se management? Learn to manage internet forums? Graduate management scheme? ... Where to turn from this point? No idea.
She's mad at me for that. But she's also mad at herself. She's only just coming to realise that as she tries to decide whether to leave "paradise" and come back to England, or to stay out there with all the troubles she's faced. Stubbornness refused to let her look favourably at staying put in paradise. But now her Dad is there, that stubbornness is caving in and paradise does indeed seem a little more inticing. And I sit here in limbo. Not knowing whether we're going to get married so I can stay out there with her, or if I'm staying here, if I'm moving to a different city to be with her, once again giving up a job and having to hunt down a new one.
So, my dear, I'm frustrated. That we go around these circles. I want us to be more giving. Giving of our ideals. Chipping a little bit off to sacrifice for the other. But I don't know if that's right.
And I'm drifting off to sleep so I don't really know where this is going. You love my patience. But it's waning. I have seriously had about enough. I *almost* cheated on you once because you neglected me for so so long. That's not an excuse. It happened, the thing that tipped it was that neglect. But I didn't. It hurt you all the same. Well this is hurting me now. Hurting me like that. That I *see* other women again. I feel attraction, the flutter in my heart as some of them smile.
It will be strange to see you once more at last next month. We felt huge electricity when you landed in London at Christmas. We knew it wasn't over then. I hope the same happens this time when I land in Durban. Otherwise I fear I might take someone else down with me, when I fall. And you might also, but in a very different way.
I hope that we truly do still love each other. I hope that I have not simply been helping you out of a self destructive mode. I hope that I have not in fact helped you into one by tugging the spring and now it pings you back down.
I'm tired. I think I must sleep now. Goodnight.
36-40, M
