I Carry a Lot of Guilt
My relationship with my father has been very uneven. We are differnet people with different set of beliefs and many family events have only increased the separation of hearts. However, my father has always done its duty that a father should for his son. Many times we had verbal fights and the way I'd reacted was wrong. And, every time after the fight I felt sorry. I'd always thought of telling him 'sorry' but I never do. Time progressed and all those apologies just died in my thoughts and somewhere in mind every time when I think back, I feel guilty. Because, even if there were many wrong words spoken or negative gestures were done which disrupted peace, he never barred himself from doing what he should do.
When I was laid on bed with 104F fever and he'd run from med stores to stores get medicine for me, or, when I sunk myself in fear after my failures, even after lots of upset, he'd still say something hopeful. I never realized when so many strange thoughts consumed my critical thinking, and how many times I just carried on with increasing my debt on him with my own rage and words. Some of those were justified , some of those were not. His relationship with mother wasn't helpful for me either.
I've read many people's stories where many kinda hate their parents for some reason and often they're justified too. And, I tried to argue with myself to gain confidence from those stories, thinking my actions or words were justified too. But, every time there stays a remnant of guilt in me.
My father had an operation today for his cataract. And, from the morning, I have been seeing a very independent, a very successful man professionally, so much taciturn about sharing that he needed a hand to hold him coz his one eye is bandaged and he was not trusting himself with his movements. It was not coz he was arrogant but he didn't get the confidence to ask me. I tried to be the support. He was very happy. But, that happiness increased my sense of guilt exponentially. Funny, at night, when I was giving him eye drops, he told that he was sorry as coz of him I had to go through a lot of trouble. He also said that I work all day hard and he's grateful as i made enough time to be with me all day.
I didn't say anything. Because, it's been 27 years, since my birth and he has been working and staying behind me to support me every time even when I believe I'm so detached from him and I never showed gratitude to him for his work. For once I did something, he has been saying thank you to me all day.
I feel broken from inside. Perhaps, that's just my fate! I don't know what is right anymore, the feeling that I have now, or the feeling I've been feeling for years!
When I was laid on bed with 104F fever and he'd run from med stores to stores get medicine for me, or, when I sunk myself in fear after my failures, even after lots of upset, he'd still say something hopeful. I never realized when so many strange thoughts consumed my critical thinking, and how many times I just carried on with increasing my debt on him with my own rage and words. Some of those were justified , some of those were not. His relationship with mother wasn't helpful for me either.
I've read many people's stories where many kinda hate their parents for some reason and often they're justified too. And, I tried to argue with myself to gain confidence from those stories, thinking my actions or words were justified too. But, every time there stays a remnant of guilt in me.
My father had an operation today for his cataract. And, from the morning, I have been seeing a very independent, a very successful man professionally, so much taciturn about sharing that he needed a hand to hold him coz his one eye is bandaged and he was not trusting himself with his movements. It was not coz he was arrogant but he didn't get the confidence to ask me. I tried to be the support. He was very happy. But, that happiness increased my sense of guilt exponentially. Funny, at night, when I was giving him eye drops, he told that he was sorry as coz of him I had to go through a lot of trouble. He also said that I work all day hard and he's grateful as i made enough time to be with me all day.
I didn't say anything. Because, it's been 27 years, since my birth and he has been working and staying behind me to support me every time even when I believe I'm so detached from him and I never showed gratitude to him for his work. For once I did something, he has been saying thank you to me all day.
I feel broken from inside. Perhaps, that's just my fate! I don't know what is right anymore, the feeling that I have now, or the feeling I've been feeling for years!
