I Carry a Lot of Guilt
I sometimes wonder if I mean it when I say that I like you, or if it’s just the fact that you resemble someone I couldn’t emotionally open up to in the end. Do I like you, or do I like the idea of making amends and going the distance for someone I couldn’t, can’t, and never deserved to? It couldn’t have ever worked. I wish he wasn’t so kind to me. I wish he never opened up. I wish you two weren’t so startling alike.
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But you always used to wonder how your life would have changed, if your circumstances were different.
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Is it because I’m honestly so, so, sorry that I left that I want to dig out parts of you in people I see that will never care and claw out the old wounds, and say that I tried to communicate this time? I cared. I didn’t want to ruin your life. I’m sorry about being distant. Look at me. Hurting myself again. It’s all I know.
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Self destruction. Self hatred. Looking in the mirror, and wondering if I am just as selfish and shallow as they’ve told me. Hoping you’re happy, trying to ensure, you won’t miss me—throwing my feelings and burying them. Till the rabbit hole opened.
.
If things were different, and you were young, and in different circumstances, would you have picked me?
.
I can’t help but go down this rabbit hole of pretend, to pretend you might have, and to pretend I fought to make it work.
.
But you always used to wonder how your life would have changed, if your circumstances were different.
.
Is it because I’m honestly so, so, sorry that I left that I want to dig out parts of you in people I see that will never care and claw out the old wounds, and say that I tried to communicate this time? I cared. I didn’t want to ruin your life. I’m sorry about being distant. Look at me. Hurting myself again. It’s all I know.
.
Self destruction. Self hatred. Looking in the mirror, and wondering if I am just as selfish and shallow as they’ve told me. Hoping you’re happy, trying to ensure, you won’t miss me—throwing my feelings and burying them. Till the rabbit hole opened.
.
If things were different, and you were young, and in different circumstances, would you have picked me?
.
I can’t help but go down this rabbit hole of pretend, to pretend you might have, and to pretend I fought to make it work.
