I Want to Feel Close to Someone
Broken Record Time... So I've repeated myself over and over again I'm sure on the fact that I want to feel close to someone. Don't particularly feel like looking back at all my stories to see, don't think anyone cares if I repeat.
Clearly I want to feel close to someone in the physical aspect of things. But I really want that connection with someone in general, when chatting, whether I'm talking about people on here or in real life. I just want that so badly. Now I don't let myself really all that close to anyone. It may seem that way on the outside, but on the inside I go a little crazy with thoughts. I don't let myself fully trust anyone. I keep myself on the paranoid side, watching stuff, to watch my own back so I don't get hurt. Even friends on here, I get paranoid, and watch my back, I make sure I don't act too clingy or talk too much, I watch every move I make. I can talk about any and all of my problems, and have them express theirs to me. Don't get me wrong I really and truly care too. But my heart isn't 100 percent in to letting someone get that close to me that I don't think they're going to stab me in the back, or for someone I have romantic type feelings for.... I won't completely trust them either, I won't trust what they say is true because I don't want to get my heart hurt. Letting go and going into something blind....just trusting anyone 110 percent scares the shit out of me.
I want it, and I think it's something I'm going to have to do if I want a real and good relationship with anyone in my future. If I want healthy relationships I need to trust 100 percent. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let myself be that close to someone, just not look back, not look forward, just stay right there in the moment and believe that what people are saying is the truth.
Clearly I want to feel close to someone in the physical aspect of things. But I really want that connection with someone in general, when chatting, whether I'm talking about people on here or in real life. I just want that so badly. Now I don't let myself really all that close to anyone. It may seem that way on the outside, but on the inside I go a little crazy with thoughts. I don't let myself fully trust anyone. I keep myself on the paranoid side, watching stuff, to watch my own back so I don't get hurt. Even friends on here, I get paranoid, and watch my back, I make sure I don't act too clingy or talk too much, I watch every move I make. I can talk about any and all of my problems, and have them express theirs to me. Don't get me wrong I really and truly care too. But my heart isn't 100 percent in to letting someone get that close to me that I don't think they're going to stab me in the back, or for someone I have romantic type feelings for.... I won't completely trust them either, I won't trust what they say is true because I don't want to get my heart hurt. Letting go and going into something blind....just trusting anyone 110 percent scares the shit out of me.
I want it, and I think it's something I'm going to have to do if I want a real and good relationship with anyone in my future. If I want healthy relationships I need to trust 100 percent. I just don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let myself be that close to someone, just not look back, not look forward, just stay right there in the moment and believe that what people are saying is the truth.
31-35, F