I Can't Stop Thinking About Him
Today, I am actually writing that after writing about him, the "thinking" has subsided.
It feels good to be home alone right now. I'm getting used to the quiet. Embracing it. I can't remember the last time I turned on the music radio in my car. It must have been 2007. Don't get me wrong, I know music. I just need the quiet.
I used to work far from home. I miss those drives. All I was able to do was think. I think that was when my mind was at it's most clearest. It made the drive go by so fast.
I hate it when he's home. I dreaded the days I took off from work because that would only mean I would see him more. I want to be by myself and be in the quiet. I don't want the noise.
I've recently connected with a childhood ex. He still holds a torch for me, I think he always will. I see him as a good friend that I would like to hang out more with. He wants to come by (no bad intentions) and just hangout. I recently remodeled the backyard and I imagine hanging outside there with a good friend, opening up, revealing all of my feelings, and feeling a release of my mind like no other. I haven't felt that way...well, in a long time. With my sister estranged, my "mr-tress" gone, my husband (well, he doesn't count, he was never there), the silence of long drives was the only comfort I had. I look at my life, and I'm spiraling out of control. I'm not close to my parents. Not close to other family members Not close to any friends. It actually infuriates me that people I know are happy when I am not. I've spent my life being there for others. I don't understand why others haven't been there for me. Other than one girlfriend off the top of my head, the only "others" have been guys. Some of these guys have had good intentions, others not so much. But nonetheless, always guys. It's become a learned habit of mine to only count on guys if ever I need anything.
Sometimes I go though a list in my head to figure out which "guy" can actually be there for me in a good way, without having bad intentions. I feel like this childhood ex may be the one. I long to have a friendship that's not dirty and sitting down outside with LOOONG conversations, sipping wine, forgetting about time. That when our presence is together, there isn't enough time to be spent. I long that in a friend. Every guy friend I've tried that with pulls stupid shit with me. Maybe it's me. Maybe I come off a certain way. Actually, I know I do.
Sitting here, I wonder about how I can change my approach. I am going to get that type of friendship or I'll die trying.
There is NO doubt in my mind that there are steps I need to take to separate myself from this marriage. Hopefully, it won't take years from now.
- Work on doing therapy, whether it is with a good friend or an actual professional. Cleanse mind and spirit of all the compacted gunk that's buried deep inside.
- Work on being healthy again. Eat better, employ better habits, exercise. Make better judgement calls. Once we've established more energy, exercise exercise EXERCISE!
- Finish school. With only 6 more classes to go at 5 weeks each, we should be done with school by the end of this year! Just, just finish school...
- Buy everything that you need that is important (new cell phone, better laptop, etc.).
- Concentrate on paying off debt. There really isn't much. Just need to pay it off and then recalculate bills, expenses, etc. so we know how much money needs to be coming in per month to sustain yourself comfortably.
- Get a better job!!! This is probably the last, but most important step. Either that or start up a business venture. Whatever it takes to sustain yourself. After that, stick with it HARD for at least 6 months so that you know that this can really work or really not work.
- Hopefully, but this time, divorce paperwork can finally be drawn, signed, finalized.
18 months minimum. 24 months tops. Can I do this???
It feels good to be home alone right now. I'm getting used to the quiet. Embracing it. I can't remember the last time I turned on the music radio in my car. It must have been 2007. Don't get me wrong, I know music. I just need the quiet.
I used to work far from home. I miss those drives. All I was able to do was think. I think that was when my mind was at it's most clearest. It made the drive go by so fast.
I hate it when he's home. I dreaded the days I took off from work because that would only mean I would see him more. I want to be by myself and be in the quiet. I don't want the noise.
I've recently connected with a childhood ex. He still holds a torch for me, I think he always will. I see him as a good friend that I would like to hang out more with. He wants to come by (no bad intentions) and just hangout. I recently remodeled the backyard and I imagine hanging outside there with a good friend, opening up, revealing all of my feelings, and feeling a release of my mind like no other. I haven't felt that way...well, in a long time. With my sister estranged, my "mr-tress" gone, my husband (well, he doesn't count, he was never there), the silence of long drives was the only comfort I had. I look at my life, and I'm spiraling out of control. I'm not close to my parents. Not close to other family members Not close to any friends. It actually infuriates me that people I know are happy when I am not. I've spent my life being there for others. I don't understand why others haven't been there for me. Other than one girlfriend off the top of my head, the only "others" have been guys. Some of these guys have had good intentions, others not so much. But nonetheless, always guys. It's become a learned habit of mine to only count on guys if ever I need anything.
Sometimes I go though a list in my head to figure out which "guy" can actually be there for me in a good way, without having bad intentions. I feel like this childhood ex may be the one. I long to have a friendship that's not dirty and sitting down outside with LOOONG conversations, sipping wine, forgetting about time. That when our presence is together, there isn't enough time to be spent. I long that in a friend. Every guy friend I've tried that with pulls stupid shit with me. Maybe it's me. Maybe I come off a certain way. Actually, I know I do.
Sitting here, I wonder about how I can change my approach. I am going to get that type of friendship or I'll die trying.
There is NO doubt in my mind that there are steps I need to take to separate myself from this marriage. Hopefully, it won't take years from now.
- Work on doing therapy, whether it is with a good friend or an actual professional. Cleanse mind and spirit of all the compacted gunk that's buried deep inside.
- Work on being healthy again. Eat better, employ better habits, exercise. Make better judgement calls. Once we've established more energy, exercise exercise EXERCISE!
- Finish school. With only 6 more classes to go at 5 weeks each, we should be done with school by the end of this year! Just, just finish school...
- Buy everything that you need that is important (new cell phone, better laptop, etc.).
- Concentrate on paying off debt. There really isn't much. Just need to pay it off and then recalculate bills, expenses, etc. so we know how much money needs to be coming in per month to sustain yourself comfortably.
- Get a better job!!! This is probably the last, but most important step. Either that or start up a business venture. Whatever it takes to sustain yourself. After that, stick with it HARD for at least 6 months so that you know that this can really work or really not work.
- Hopefully, but this time, divorce paperwork can finally be drawn, signed, finalized.
18 months minimum. 24 months tops. Can I do this???
41-45, F