I Am Ashamed of Myself

The reward for the worst best friend probably belongs to me. I was cruel and vicious, I made her cry and yet she still loves me.. laying here falling asleep on the phone with her, I don't deserve it. I accused her of being a monster, while I became the worst one of all. The guilt is eating away at me and I know, it's never going to go away. All I could ever think about was that you weren't mine, all I ever cared about was that you wouldn't love me anymore. But in truth, I never stopped to think about what my words and actions did to you.. I just bitterly held onto the past mistakes you made and jeapordized what was left of our friendship. Change scares me, even though I thought of myself as an advocate for change. I guess that kind of makes me a hypocrite and an Idiot. I doubt she will ever know the true extent of my feelings she was my first love after all, but she will always remember the extent of pain that I caused her. To love someone more than yourself is a scary feeling and I wasn't ready for it.. to be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be ready for it. Experiencing first hand how quickly love turns into anger in that brief moment will haunt me more than any nightmare.
#confessions