I Have a Fear
I am afraid to eat today. I havnt had one of these days in a while. In all honesty I believed that once I was with my boyfriend this illogical fear would die off. That his magic hands could fix and and make all the bad go away. But sometimes the thought of him touching the parts of me that I hate make me want to cut them off.
I woke up once again to do a full body check. Pulling at the skin on my arms, stomach, and legs. Next onto my face. An absolute feeling of disgust. My eyes decieve but the mirror tells all truths. Making me ask:
How did I get to this?
I've hidden in my room for most of the day. If I were my family I wouldn't want to see me either. So I put on my "lazy" clothes and sneak around the house. I just feel ashamed of myself. I walk into the kitchen and I'm greeted by food. The tastes and textures on my tounge feel so good. So comforting. Yet I'm afraid to swallow it. I know that it will add onto to the already disgusting parts of me that I hate. I. Me. My. Mine. It seems like im the only one who has a problem with myself. The frustration that bubbles up in side of me just flows out into the air. I want to be able to say STOP. To stop thinking in this mindset. To stop being so scared.
I'll admit that sometimes when I eat I'm scared that the fat is going to leak out of my skin. I can feel it. Everything bad just leaking out of my pours. How do you escape this delusion?
I take shower upon shower in an attempt to wash it away. Sad thing is that it was never there in the first place. The only thing I'm doing is drying my skin out. It's such a torturous feel.
I watch everyone else eat. They arnt scared. They're just carrying out a natural, daily task. So why can't I do that?
I'm going to eat later. Once everyone is in bed and can't see what im doing. It lowers some of the anxiety as I don't have to worry about what they are saying and thinking about me. I already have my own demeaning thoughts running through my head. But I can't just simply eat. No. I have to stay up for a few hours after to let it digest. Then to burn some of it off. That right there is what makes me happy. Killing two birds with one stone :)
As this comes to an end It makes me realize that this feeling is always going to be with me. It may not be right in front of my face but it will be there in the back of my mind. Just waiting for a day like this. So I pray to God that tomorrow will be different.
I woke up once again to do a full body check. Pulling at the skin on my arms, stomach, and legs. Next onto my face. An absolute feeling of disgust. My eyes decieve but the mirror tells all truths. Making me ask:
How did I get to this?
I've hidden in my room for most of the day. If I were my family I wouldn't want to see me either. So I put on my "lazy" clothes and sneak around the house. I just feel ashamed of myself. I walk into the kitchen and I'm greeted by food. The tastes and textures on my tounge feel so good. So comforting. Yet I'm afraid to swallow it. I know that it will add onto to the already disgusting parts of me that I hate. I. Me. My. Mine. It seems like im the only one who has a problem with myself. The frustration that bubbles up in side of me just flows out into the air. I want to be able to say STOP. To stop thinking in this mindset. To stop being so scared.
I'll admit that sometimes when I eat I'm scared that the fat is going to leak out of my skin. I can feel it. Everything bad just leaking out of my pours. How do you escape this delusion?
I take shower upon shower in an attempt to wash it away. Sad thing is that it was never there in the first place. The only thing I'm doing is drying my skin out. It's such a torturous feel.
I watch everyone else eat. They arnt scared. They're just carrying out a natural, daily task. So why can't I do that?
I'm going to eat later. Once everyone is in bed and can't see what im doing. It lowers some of the anxiety as I don't have to worry about what they are saying and thinking about me. I already have my own demeaning thoughts running through my head. But I can't just simply eat. No. I have to stay up for a few hours after to let it digest. Then to burn some of it off. That right there is what makes me happy. Killing two birds with one stone :)
As this comes to an end It makes me realize that this feeling is always going to be with me. It may not be right in front of my face but it will be there in the back of my mind. Just waiting for a day like this. So I pray to God that tomorrow will be different.
22-25, F
