I Have Been Thinking

After thinking in solitude last night, it dawned on me that I dislike hugs as much as I like them. That sounds weird, but it's because a hug is positive interpersonal physical contact which (almost) everyone gets some benefit out of, but when a hug ends it makes me think of the affection I miss out on. Turns out, affection is one of those things that's slightly important to mental health sometimes (i.e. it has a net positive effect on the brain when it occurs), and going for such a long time with at most a few quick, meaningless hugs a year has a bit of an impact on my already low mood. Because that's the other thing: for affection to be meaningful, it tends to need meaning and connection. That's a bit confusing, so let me elaborate; a hug between people who have a relatively close connection is going to mean more than two random people hugging one another, since being close to someone comes with having feelings for them (which sounds like I'm suggesting romantic feelings but that's not really what I mean) and that impacts on the meaningfulness of the affection..... and it just goes in circles from there.

Anyway, this is an issue for me because I don't really feel close to anyone. I'm not sure why, but I've always felt like I didn't fit in, and that may well have something to do with the lack of personal connections. I mean, I have friends, but I'm not exactly close to anyone; never really have been.

In that same session of thinking, it also occurred to me why I don't like it when people say I'm OK or whatever then in the same breath tell me "there's someone out there" for me. It boils down to how often I've heard them and the actions of others in relation to it; after the first dozen or so times, it just starts to sound hollow, and after several dozens of times it can become grating and slightly insulting. Additionally, when everyone says that sort of thing yet nobody ever acts on it, it starts to sound less like the encouragement it's presumably meant as and more like a kind of rejection.

Now, if anyone has even bothered to read this far, they're probably thinking something like "why not just do something positive so someone will want you?" and that is..... less than helpful, honestly. While I know that I'm not exactly the most attractive or interesting person, changing my appearance is a pretty drastic change, while gaining more "life experience" is difficult because that tens to take a fair amount of money which I can't spare. And if your rebuttal is "do something that's free", remember that getting there and back still costs.

OK, I've got this shit out of my head, and that's for the best. I know as well as anyone that it's unlikely to be read wholly, but whatever.