I Have Been In An Abusive Relationship
Not my identity anymore (written 10/30/17 10:49pm)
Looking back at my old relationship is like looking into a mirror. Now that two years have passed, I'm finally distant enough from the memories that I can look at them objectively. I don't blame him for everything anymore. I see that it was a two-sided street, and everything that he gave to me, was unconsciously what I had wanted.
I'm not condoning abuse. I'm not saying that what he did was right. AT ALL. Instead, I'm acknowledging that no matter how hard my situation was. No matter how hopeless or helpless I may have felt inside the relationship, I'm acknowledging that I still had a part in it. And I know that what I received during that time was something that I felt I deserved.
Looking back on the relationship is like looking at a reflection because I see the disdain that I carried for myself now. It was easier to blame something external. Easier to say it was his fault and to be his victim when in reality he was only doing what I had asked him to do all along. He was given an opportunity every time that I didn't voice my opinion. He was given an opportunity every time that I let him cross a boundary, thinking of him before myself. He was given an opportunity whenever I conceded, instead of holding onto my values and my beliefs.
I didn't know my worth, and I wanted it to be validated. If I felt like nothing, I needed my world to reflect the nothingness that I saw in myself.
I know that this post is going to affect a lot of people. A lot of people are going to disagree. But this is my truth. I acknowledge that I had a choice within the relationship, no matter how hard it was to make. I could've left sooner, and I have a thousand excuses as to why I didn't. But in the end, it all boils down to the fact that I didn't love myself enough.
Looking back at my old relationship is like looking into a mirror. Now that two years have passed, I'm finally distant enough from the memories that I can look at them objectively. I don't blame him for everything anymore. I see that it was a two-sided street, and everything that he gave to me, was unconsciously what I had wanted.
I'm not condoning abuse. I'm not saying that what he did was right. AT ALL. Instead, I'm acknowledging that no matter how hard my situation was. No matter how hopeless or helpless I may have felt inside the relationship, I'm acknowledging that I still had a part in it. And I know that what I received during that time was something that I felt I deserved.
Looking back on the relationship is like looking at a reflection because I see the disdain that I carried for myself now. It was easier to blame something external. Easier to say it was his fault and to be his victim when in reality he was only doing what I had asked him to do all along. He was given an opportunity every time that I didn't voice my opinion. He was given an opportunity every time that I let him cross a boundary, thinking of him before myself. He was given an opportunity whenever I conceded, instead of holding onto my values and my beliefs.
I didn't know my worth, and I wanted it to be validated. If I felt like nothing, I needed my world to reflect the nothingness that I saw in myself.
I know that this post is going to affect a lot of people. A lot of people are going to disagree. But this is my truth. I acknowledge that I had a choice within the relationship, no matter how hard it was to make. I could've left sooner, and I have a thousand excuses as to why I didn't. But in the end, it all boils down to the fact that I didn't love myself enough.
31-35, F
