Key Question: How often do we say positive things about those who aren’t around when we’re having our conversations?
Is it possible to challenge ourselves to speak of others behind their back the way we’d like others to speak behind ours?
The tendency is to say all of our complaints to someone we “trust” so that we can let out the feelings we can’t share with the person bringing them about, in fear of a consequence. Then we nod along to the complaints others say of someone to not fall into contradiction or criticism.
Negative criticism. Negative labels. Mocking. A lot of it is done behind others’ back, sometimes as a means of comedy. Many times it is done at our dissatisfaction of someone not saying or doing what we want. Other times it done about our very own friends, family, or loved ones. And most of the time we have no idea that after our genuine efforts, some still find reason for complaint. Not only that, but we ourselves, I, do the same, except when it’s personal we don’t notice it; we consider others unfair, inconsiderate, or any other negative word because they didn’t say or do what we want.
Why? Why does this happen? Can we get rid of this tendency that brings about self-consciousness and insecurity?
Just like language is taught, to the point we think our very thoughts in our primary language, the way we use our words is taught as well. So if all someone does is complain about you instead of compliment that could be an indicator that they have not been praised very much, to the point they attempt to lift their ego by bringing others down. The thought process being, “they’re worse than me, I’m not as... bad... as they. If I laugh and make fun and they get offended, they believe what I said. I made them insecure, I win, they are worse than me!” If you have a grounded self-esteem you don’t need the praise of others as much, and you attempt to lift others’ self-esteem through the words you use in regards to them.
So never feel insecure or question the hard work in your efforts or your uniqueness because of others’ predicament on your behalf. Positive reinforcement is taught, and we are surrounded by the tendency of sarcasm and jokes or even puns at making us feel like there is something wrong with us. We laugh it off, but some actually take it seriously. Someone who can’t compliment another, has not been complimented themselves, how can we expect someone to give something they’ve never received?
You want people to learn to share, you have to teach them how to share. You want people to be grateful for what they do have and decrease their complaints? That is taught as well. Don’t teach and the brain will just sponge-absorb our surroundings, and a lot of our surroundings are complaints, and fix-it-now-or-else attitudes.
So compliment someone today, you may be the first one to teach them that there is another way to use our words, to lift people up, instead of attempting to bring others down through our hidden insecurities.
I do think about that sometimes. It stems from a guilt of not giving somebody a fair chance to speak for themself. If in a social situation I'm asked my opinion about someone, I try to make a conscious effort to balance my criticisms.
That's if the conversation is serious. Otherwise, I do mock other people or laugh at their 'flaws'. But deep down I harbour no ill will. I hope I have the integrity to be able to laugh at myself too.
SW-User
I'm guilty of judging people and avoiding most people but that's self preservation in a way
