I Was Abused By My X
When your 16 you don't know who you are. The world is a big, scary place, you have plenty of time to live but feel as though the world should be at your feet now. You expect to much, and you end up suffering from the pain of your own ignorance. When I was 16 I fell into a serious relationship with a 24 year old man, he became my father, my founder... and basically my God. Knowing no life outside this relationship, I was brainwashed into a life that wasn't for me, but I was made to believe I had no options.
I wasn't the girl in high school to have a line of boys begging me to the prom, in fact, I didn't have any guy friends, and no experience with them. I was as innocent as they come. ah, innocence, the easiest victims. When he came into my life and supposedly "fell in love" with me, it was a shock to my heart, not only had I attracted a guys attention for the first time, but he was a handsome MAN, not a stupid high school boy. He had a job and car, even the popular girls would be impressed. I always wanted the perfect wedding followed by some cliche marriage, I just never thought id meet a guy that young, but I accepted it with welcoming arms because he was a dream to me and just so happened to enter my life at the time when I needed a companion the most. My parents were conservative and traditional with an Italian background, so an older boy (or any boyfriend at all) was a complete no no from them. It took them alot of time (and brainwashing) for them to get to know him to realise he really was the man of any girls dreams. He tricked them like he tricked me, with that smile, that charming voice, but he failed to show everyone his other colours. He taught me everything, from how to be a lady, to helping me study for my tests. He loved me truely, and I loved him, I even knew we would be married. we dated for 5 years, nearly triple the guesstimated time my family and friends thought we would be together for.
5 years of gifts, adventures, romance and abuse. After about 18 months of dating his violent side began to kick in, I guess he couldn't really hold back anymore, the truth always comes out. Because I was young and naive and had already invested my love and trust into him, I had grown to believe there was no choice but forgiveness. I knew we were going to be married, because his love brainwashed me, so when he first hit me, I knew he'd calm down, and he'd apologise, then he'd go back to his loving self and talk about how he will give me the world. Thinking about it still makes me feel sick to the stomach. Copping an occasional hit or dealing with one of his verbal outbursts when he is angry or drunk wasn't as bad as living a life without him. I was 18, I didn't know how to deal with a breakup. I didn't know how to live independently. I guess he "coddled" me in a way, and made me so reliant on him. I couldn't loose my owner, not a chance.
Over the years the abuse got worse, maybe because as I got older I made more decisions and was able to speak up to him more, only making him angry. He didn't want me to go to college, or go to my friends birthdays, sometimes he forbid me to see my family. After I graduated high school I moved in with him against my parents will, he had influenced me to believe that they were trying to tear us apart. the paranoia grew to me, when my friends had noticed obvious problems and tried to console me, I flipped it and said they were jealous, ending our 10 year relationship. Thats what he wanted, me alone, without my friends or family influencing me...he wanted me to be his full responsibility. As time when on, and our 4 anniversary's became bigger and more special, it became harder to leave, I had left it too long, breaking up felt unbearable, especially now that I had no family or friends.
When I was about 19/20, living in our apartment, he forbid me to get a job, fearing it would "make me too tried" but in reality, he was scared that id meet someone who would influence me out of the relationship, he didn't want me to have any sense of reality or logical thought. He was paranoid to loose me. This began to trigger my fear of him, when I looked at him I no longer saw his sparkling brown eyes of kindness, I just felt scared and alone. I didn't want to loose him after everything I had given up to be with him, my youth, my family and friends, my whole life, but I started to feel as though it wasn't worth it.
He was a wealthy business man, and worked a LOT. with many business trips during the year. Work eventually got to him, and then the sleeping pills came, and basically every other type of pill, whatever could numb the stress. He had committed alot of adultery, but I brushed it aside, just like I brushed aside the abuse, it was easier to forgive and forget.
When I was 21 we got engaged, the moment I had been waiting for since I was a flower girl at the age of 4. It wasn't like what I pictured it, it didn't feel like a fairytale and like I was living the dream, it was just lonely and shameful, without any celebrations with friends or family.
During our engagement we got into a fight when I begged him to stop the drugs and drinking, he bashed me so bad I thought I was going to die on my kitchen floor. In his worst moments he would give me a few hits, if that, but this time he just kept going. Usually I would know he'd stop and he'd start crying and kissing me, apologising, promising to me that he would change. Not this time, I looked at him after numerous hits to see his face was still full of rage, not even close to falling apart and apologising. I knew in my heart, that this time he laid hands on me was different, there was no sign of remorse or love still existent in his heart. I saw my blood all over the floor, not even realising it was mine, I became so used to the pain that I was numb, I was scared to scream, I was scared that id survive this, I wanted to die so bad. It took this to happen to me for me to realise that that "fantasy" love life was now impossible to achieve with him. I always had hope we would work out, but I knew now, this wasn't my life, I didn't know who I was, but I knew the person I was in that moment wasn't me.
I'll never forget the way his fists felt against my skin, the way his voice made me feel insignificant. That was rock bottom, that moment where I was lying on the kitchen floor at 2am, bleeding, empty, not knowing who or what I was. Eventually he stopped, and left the apartment for a walk. The first time he had bashed me without quickly apologising afterwards. I laid on the ground unable to move for an hour. Somehow, to this day I still dont understand how the hell I did this, but I found strength, strength to get up and leave. After that day I realised how blind I was, how much he tricked me and brainwashed me into thinking that was love.
I survived. I am awake now and know that for 5 years I was dead inside.
I wasn't the girl in high school to have a line of boys begging me to the prom, in fact, I didn't have any guy friends, and no experience with them. I was as innocent as they come. ah, innocence, the easiest victims. When he came into my life and supposedly "fell in love" with me, it was a shock to my heart, not only had I attracted a guys attention for the first time, but he was a handsome MAN, not a stupid high school boy. He had a job and car, even the popular girls would be impressed. I always wanted the perfect wedding followed by some cliche marriage, I just never thought id meet a guy that young, but I accepted it with welcoming arms because he was a dream to me and just so happened to enter my life at the time when I needed a companion the most. My parents were conservative and traditional with an Italian background, so an older boy (or any boyfriend at all) was a complete no no from them. It took them alot of time (and brainwashing) for them to get to know him to realise he really was the man of any girls dreams. He tricked them like he tricked me, with that smile, that charming voice, but he failed to show everyone his other colours. He taught me everything, from how to be a lady, to helping me study for my tests. He loved me truely, and I loved him, I even knew we would be married. we dated for 5 years, nearly triple the guesstimated time my family and friends thought we would be together for.
5 years of gifts, adventures, romance and abuse. After about 18 months of dating his violent side began to kick in, I guess he couldn't really hold back anymore, the truth always comes out. Because I was young and naive and had already invested my love and trust into him, I had grown to believe there was no choice but forgiveness. I knew we were going to be married, because his love brainwashed me, so when he first hit me, I knew he'd calm down, and he'd apologise, then he'd go back to his loving self and talk about how he will give me the world. Thinking about it still makes me feel sick to the stomach. Copping an occasional hit or dealing with one of his verbal outbursts when he is angry or drunk wasn't as bad as living a life without him. I was 18, I didn't know how to deal with a breakup. I didn't know how to live independently. I guess he "coddled" me in a way, and made me so reliant on him. I couldn't loose my owner, not a chance.
Over the years the abuse got worse, maybe because as I got older I made more decisions and was able to speak up to him more, only making him angry. He didn't want me to go to college, or go to my friends birthdays, sometimes he forbid me to see my family. After I graduated high school I moved in with him against my parents will, he had influenced me to believe that they were trying to tear us apart. the paranoia grew to me, when my friends had noticed obvious problems and tried to console me, I flipped it and said they were jealous, ending our 10 year relationship. Thats what he wanted, me alone, without my friends or family influencing me...he wanted me to be his full responsibility. As time when on, and our 4 anniversary's became bigger and more special, it became harder to leave, I had left it too long, breaking up felt unbearable, especially now that I had no family or friends.
When I was about 19/20, living in our apartment, he forbid me to get a job, fearing it would "make me too tried" but in reality, he was scared that id meet someone who would influence me out of the relationship, he didn't want me to have any sense of reality or logical thought. He was paranoid to loose me. This began to trigger my fear of him, when I looked at him I no longer saw his sparkling brown eyes of kindness, I just felt scared and alone. I didn't want to loose him after everything I had given up to be with him, my youth, my family and friends, my whole life, but I started to feel as though it wasn't worth it.
He was a wealthy business man, and worked a LOT. with many business trips during the year. Work eventually got to him, and then the sleeping pills came, and basically every other type of pill, whatever could numb the stress. He had committed alot of adultery, but I brushed it aside, just like I brushed aside the abuse, it was easier to forgive and forget.
When I was 21 we got engaged, the moment I had been waiting for since I was a flower girl at the age of 4. It wasn't like what I pictured it, it didn't feel like a fairytale and like I was living the dream, it was just lonely and shameful, without any celebrations with friends or family.
During our engagement we got into a fight when I begged him to stop the drugs and drinking, he bashed me so bad I thought I was going to die on my kitchen floor. In his worst moments he would give me a few hits, if that, but this time he just kept going. Usually I would know he'd stop and he'd start crying and kissing me, apologising, promising to me that he would change. Not this time, I looked at him after numerous hits to see his face was still full of rage, not even close to falling apart and apologising. I knew in my heart, that this time he laid hands on me was different, there was no sign of remorse or love still existent in his heart. I saw my blood all over the floor, not even realising it was mine, I became so used to the pain that I was numb, I was scared to scream, I was scared that id survive this, I wanted to die so bad. It took this to happen to me for me to realise that that "fantasy" love life was now impossible to achieve with him. I always had hope we would work out, but I knew now, this wasn't my life, I didn't know who I was, but I knew the person I was in that moment wasn't me.
I'll never forget the way his fists felt against my skin, the way his voice made me feel insignificant. That was rock bottom, that moment where I was lying on the kitchen floor at 2am, bleeding, empty, not knowing who or what I was. Eventually he stopped, and left the apartment for a walk. The first time he had bashed me without quickly apologising afterwards. I laid on the ground unable to move for an hour. Somehow, to this day I still dont understand how the hell I did this, but I found strength, strength to get up and leave. After that day I realised how blind I was, how much he tricked me and brainwashed me into thinking that was love.
I survived. I am awake now and know that for 5 years I was dead inside.
22-25, F
