I Express Myself Through Writing
Last night I took notice that I was a little agitated, I am not sure why. I had just showered and when I was finishing up my fiance said he had made some salmon cake mix and was going to fry they. He mentioned that he wanted mac and cheese as well but really didn't feel like make any so i offered to do it. Now I go into detail because I am trying to recognize behavior in myself which causes a shift in my thinking. I remember going through recipes because he said he would like to have some macaroni salad today with dinner, but all the recipes I was finding either took to long to get to the actual recipe or had to many ingredients and at that time I just didn't want to make something that took a long time and was drawn out. I did realize that I was getting irritated, I did stop what I was doing and turned my attention to something else and went back to finding a recipe a little later. I went to the website and found a recipe I liked. I didn't hold on to the frustration and irratation I was feeling.
Recognizing the shift in thinking was a good thing. I have told myself over the past few months, when I begin to feel like I am about to loose it, to find my center, go back there, get centered. At my core I know who I am and who I want to be and who I was meant to be. Going to my center helps me remember that. I see that my fiance quite often has an attitude which I know has more to do with him than with me, I have tried to show him how I found my way, I have tried to share my story with him. I have asked him thought provoking questions, to get him thinking about how he feels and trying to get him to recognize his feelings. I have come to a point where I no longer do that, he isn't ready to think about how he feels, or listen to my story either. I accept that he may think he is okay the way he is and may not feel the need for change and that is okay, he has lived his entire life in this mindset and may believe that it is just fine. And he is right, because those may be his thoughts. I am not to say, but I do know that I will continue to evolve into the person I want to be and maybe that person will not want it need to be with him any more. That's not to say that he is a bad person, I just see him in pain and unwilling to find a way to stop the pain in an effective manner. I want to be healthy, not just physically but mentally as well, I strive meet these ends. And just because this is what I want doesn't mean that everyone else in the world wants the same thing. I naturally move towards being healthy and that is my choice and I am happy with who I am and happy in my life. I feel very blessed to have so much.
Recognizing the shift in thinking was a good thing. I have told myself over the past few months, when I begin to feel like I am about to loose it, to find my center, go back there, get centered. At my core I know who I am and who I want to be and who I was meant to be. Going to my center helps me remember that. I see that my fiance quite often has an attitude which I know has more to do with him than with me, I have tried to show him how I found my way, I have tried to share my story with him. I have asked him thought provoking questions, to get him thinking about how he feels and trying to get him to recognize his feelings. I have come to a point where I no longer do that, he isn't ready to think about how he feels, or listen to my story either. I accept that he may think he is okay the way he is and may not feel the need for change and that is okay, he has lived his entire life in this mindset and may believe that it is just fine. And he is right, because those may be his thoughts. I am not to say, but I do know that I will continue to evolve into the person I want to be and maybe that person will not want it need to be with him any more. That's not to say that he is a bad person, I just see him in pain and unwilling to find a way to stop the pain in an effective manner. I want to be healthy, not just physically but mentally as well, I strive meet these ends. And just because this is what I want doesn't mean that everyone else in the world wants the same thing. I naturally move towards being healthy and that is my choice and I am happy with who I am and happy in my life. I feel very blessed to have so much.
51-55, F