I Lack a Sense of Family With My Family

I honestly have always felt happier when I am not around them most of the time. I think it stems from my family being very critical of me for many years and they thought they were helping me but really it just made me feel so terrible about myself. I felt controlled and that being myself was wrong and anything that made me different has to be some sort of diagnosis or psychopathology and they were probably just wanting an easy explanation. From how I dressed and looked, to how I acted, what I thought, and what I wanted and liked to this day they really still don't understand me. They are so puzzled and can't understand why I want to live cry differently outside the "norm" of modern day society. I know they love me and want me to be happy but I feel so restricted around them. They have gotten considerably better and have attempted to be more understanding in the last few years but many times I can't help but feel silently judged and scrutinized. I have always hated family vacations, I dread family holiday gatherings becuase I still live in my parents house and I feel so disconnected from my relatives. I look at them and think "this isn't me" and I don't want to be like them and I never felt right. Now I recognize I have been verbally and psychologically abused many instances in my life and I I also have been guilty of psychologically and verbally abusing other people including my own family many times. I have never belonged here with these people and I feel almost as if I was born into the wrong fmaily and among the wrong people. I can't help but feel my real home is out there very far away from everything I have grown up with. But I feel the people who surround me don't have a very open mindset and are rigid in their way of thinking over what's supposed to be the desirable and acceptable way to live. Blood doesn't make a family. I got pampered growing up yes I had nice things and never struggled financially. That's not where the hole inside of me is I have a yearning to feel validated and authentically understood. I don't like feeling minimized or being tolerated and accepted though not embraced because my family is scared of my way of thinking and how I believe I should truly be living my life. They love me yes but I wish they just understood me intuitively. I can talk and try to explain to explain to them how I think and feel until I'm blue in the face. They will try to listen and hear me out but I can still see they don't get me. It's demoralizing. I want to find my soul family. I am going to be one of those daughters that skypes regularly, calls, emails, texts every couple of days. And only comes to visit in person every few months. My birth family is not healthy for me. Yeah I know they tried to love and take care of me as best as they knew how and to keep others from targeting me even further but I am very damaged. I don't feel authentically like myself half my thoughts and ideas I don't feel comfortable sharing with them because they will be either conscending bewildered and subconsciously put me down. I am tired of being negated and being doubted just because I haven't followed the traditional tried and true orthodox methods. Why couldn't I have been born into a fmaily of inventors, creators, people who innovate and live life on their own terms and become entrepreneurs and self employed? Artisans and designers something!!! Why couldn't my fmaily have been very progressive in their mentality and fully supported me being myself 100% regardless of what others thought? Why?!! Why couldn't all my life being different or having my own preferences and temperament couldn't have been fine and I could customize my life to my natural abilities and preferences instead of trying to pressure me to conform into a narrow box being similar to everyone else? My entire existence has been a mistake all my life.