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I Am Dead Inside

I feel a lot in my life is not going as it should and it's because I've been waiting for a change without taking control. Scared of failure and not archiving anything in my life. My goals are simple, I want enough money to survive and friends i can be myself with.

I have a spouse and a child, but he is working overseas, financially struggling, sick. I have not felt close to him at all, but that's because of a history of things he had done that made me disappointed in him. I live with my child alone. I don't get any help even though I have enough family members.

I often wish I could just end it but I do not say this to get sympathy. In fact I know how this emotional rollercoaster plays out. I know deep down I just have dreams of feeling worthy, loved and understood. I often dream of people that do not feel earthly and these are my desires all along, to have a stable social life.

In nature I am just shy, not the brightest to be honest. In my native language I struggle to make sentences, in english I feel confident though. Wondering how others seem to be so natural in making conversations.

But well, I thought if I write this here it might clear me up why I feel the way I do.

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HenryQuelch · 70-79, M

hello young lady - I have discovered that a surprising number of young women in their 20s feel either dis-satified with their lives or experience real depression. I have relatives your age who from time to time have depressive episodes.
It seems to me that - You have the responsibilities of being a lone parent. Lack of money is a problem and limits your opportunities.Your extended family provide little support. So you have good reasons for feeling depressed at times.
I have two suggestions
1. approach other parents who have children who know your child, there a lot to be said for sharing positive and negative thoughts with people who have children of the same age.
2. I am not a huge fan of drugs but sometimes low levels of doctor prescribed medication can lift a person's mood and help them take the first steps in changing their life.
Please do not put yourself down too much - if English is your second language, well I compliment you on how good you are able to express yourself. Being shy is ok, many people feel shy.You are young, as you become older you will become wiser and more confident in yourself. Be brave and take some small first steps to change small things in your life. Achieving small steps will increase your confidence in yourself. Take care of yourself.
best regards Henry

SW-User

@HenryQuelch I appreciate your comment, I'd like to add a few problems.

1. I don't know any other parents, my neighbours have children, but kinda give me mean looks cause my bipolar sister used to live here with her two kids and bad-mouths people a lot, I don't know if that is the real reason? I just feel the people here have hatred for me even though they don't know me.

2. I had tried medication before but it actually gave me more problems, they do not solve anything for me personally.

I do not feel young for my age, in fact I feel that I outgrow most others because they hold grudges and have selfish aim while I do the best to keep my child happy.

I think I'm just waiting for an opportunity to run away, but my son is my priority. I'm just out of place.

HenryQuelch · 70-79, M

@SW-User Thank you for the extra information. It is good that your son is your main priority - how old is he?
If medication just makes things worse then you are right in staying away from drugs.
Yes it sounds as if your sister s mental health illness has probably made the neighbours afraid of you all as a family.
And yes you have had to grow up quickly because of the responsibilities your son has placed on you.
Your longer term goal is to live elsewhere - but can you do any small things now to make life more positive where you now live?

SW-User

@HenryQuelch yes, my family has a bad reputation around here, my mom's messed up too but don't want to go too deep into that lol. I try to make everyday the best. I am not weak but all the extra work exhausts me, the house is quite big and my mom is barely home anymore to help out.

In my freetime I do little things like baking or learning to skate, I exercise too. I do pretty much whatever I can to feel alive, but I have no control over the random emotional depth I feel, that I'm sinking.

But as I said, I try.

HenryQuelch · 70-79, M

@SW-User OK so it sounds as if you are trying very hard to be active and positive in your life. I am aware I am asking questions that probably you do not want everybody reading - shall we message privately??

SW-User

@HenryQuelch sure it's okay