I Am Dead Inside

I feel a lot in my life is not going as it should and it's because I've been waiting for a change without taking control. Scared of failure and not archiving anything in my life. My goals are simple, I want enough money to survive and friends i can be myself with.

I have a spouse and a child, but he is working overseas, financially struggling, sick. I have not felt close to him at all, but that's because of a history of things he had done that made me disappointed in him. I live with my child alone. I don't get any help even though I have enough family members.

I often wish I could just end it but I do not say this to get sympathy. In fact I know how this emotional rollercoaster plays out. I know deep down I just have dreams of feeling worthy, loved and understood. I often dream of people that do not feel earthly and these are my desires all along, to have a stable social life.

In nature I am just shy, not the brightest to be honest. In my native language I struggle to make sentences, in english I feel confident though. Wondering how others seem to be so natural in making conversations.

But well, I thought if I write this here it might clear me up why I feel the way I do.