I Have Something to Say
I woke up this morning, flat on my back.
I never could sleep this way, but the pain from the incision makes it difficult to sleep on my sides. Although I do clearly remember falling asleep on my left side last night with my husbands back to me and my arm wrapped tightly around him, my cold nose pressed against his warm back and was breathing in his scent, it was so relaxing I fell asleep almost immediately. I don't remember at which point it is that I turned on my back.
I woke up around 7am when it was time for my next dose(painkillers).
My husband now facing me, I could tell he had just fallen asleep by the way he was layin down (on his right side) one of his hands resting near my face like he had been caressing me, and the other hand holding my left hand our fingers entwined.
I looked at him and I wondered how long had he been up? Did he watch me all night? What is/was on his mind? Does he hate me? Does he blame me? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know that all I have ever wanted was to make him and my children happy? I thought about asking him to forget about the vasectomy. I still wanted him to have a big family even if it wasn't with me(this was my dream more than it was his) I wondered what he'd say when I said this to him? So many thoughts within just a few breaths.
He felt me stirring and he opened his eyes a little at a time. Once he adjusted to the light my husband stared at me in a loving and painful way, the look on his face expressed love and concern.
We looked at each other silently at first no words were exchanged, just a series of wordless stares, inhales and exhales.
He broke the silence "como te sientes amor?" (How do you feel love?)
I tried to take a deep breath and was reminded by the pain that I could not inhale as freely and deeply as I once could (at least not yet). My response was a groan followed by a quick exhales "ok I'm ok, I think I'm ok, did I keep you up? I'm sorry"
His reply "no i stayed up because I wanted to watch you, I wish you knew how much it pains me to see you hurting and how I wish I could take your pain and wash it away"
A silent tear emerged from my eye, he wiped it away.
I tried to stretch; My lower body feeling heavier than I ever remember it being, I felt like a hot brick was placed on my pelvis/lower abdomen, and when I reached above my head the pain in my sides, stomach and lower abdomen made me double back down and curl as best as I could to ease the pain.
My husband quickly quipped "oh please be careful I can't take away your pain as much as I wish I could"
I had a cool wash cloth on my forehead, I don't remember putting it there, and a hot pack on my lower back. (How did they get there? Did he watch me all night?)
He had, he relayed to me that my alarm for my narcotic went off at 3am but I wasn't moving much until the alarm got louder, he said that when I reached for my cell on my nightstand I dropped in and let out a cry of pain. (I don't remember) he got up and brought me cold water, gave me my pills and watched me try and go back to sleep. An hour went by and although I don't remember this he says I was still crying from the pain I kept repeating that my lower back hurt. He said I was also calling out my Natalia and Sebastian's names.
He went and got a hot pack for my back - slipped it under my back and he said I told him that it felt better a few minutes later.
I continued to ask for my babies calling for them and asking when I could see them again, crying half asleep, half awake and fully broken. My husband says he kept telling me while I was sleeping that they are resting in heaven, and that they're in my heart, that when ever I want to see them I just have to close my eyes and concentrate on them and pray for them and I would be able to see their perfect little faces and feel their tiny hands on mine.
He says that after trying to soothe me, I then stopped calling their names and started to smile, exhaling and inhaling in a more controlled manner. I was soaked in sweat (well at least I felt that way) but I was just clammy my husband took my temperature and it was normal. He went and put a cold wash cloth on my forehead because he knew I was hot in the way I struggled to get the blankets off of me.
I only remember bits and pieces of this because i was half asleep. I couldn't see anything but I could hear his voice. I thought I was dreaming it but I wasn't.
He is a far better man than i deserve and it hurts to love him this much. I feel that because of everything I've lost, maybe It would be best to leave him before I lose him too. I still haven't the courage to say what I was thinking when I woke up.
I never could sleep this way, but the pain from the incision makes it difficult to sleep on my sides. Although I do clearly remember falling asleep on my left side last night with my husbands back to me and my arm wrapped tightly around him, my cold nose pressed against his warm back and was breathing in his scent, it was so relaxing I fell asleep almost immediately. I don't remember at which point it is that I turned on my back.
I woke up around 7am when it was time for my next dose(painkillers).
My husband now facing me, I could tell he had just fallen asleep by the way he was layin down (on his right side) one of his hands resting near my face like he had been caressing me, and the other hand holding my left hand our fingers entwined.
I looked at him and I wondered how long had he been up? Did he watch me all night? What is/was on his mind? Does he hate me? Does he blame me? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know that all I have ever wanted was to make him and my children happy? I thought about asking him to forget about the vasectomy. I still wanted him to have a big family even if it wasn't with me(this was my dream more than it was his) I wondered what he'd say when I said this to him? So many thoughts within just a few breaths.
He felt me stirring and he opened his eyes a little at a time. Once he adjusted to the light my husband stared at me in a loving and painful way, the look on his face expressed love and concern.
We looked at each other silently at first no words were exchanged, just a series of wordless stares, inhales and exhales.
He broke the silence "como te sientes amor?" (How do you feel love?)
I tried to take a deep breath and was reminded by the pain that I could not inhale as freely and deeply as I once could (at least not yet). My response was a groan followed by a quick exhales "ok I'm ok, I think I'm ok, did I keep you up? I'm sorry"
His reply "no i stayed up because I wanted to watch you, I wish you knew how much it pains me to see you hurting and how I wish I could take your pain and wash it away"
A silent tear emerged from my eye, he wiped it away.
I tried to stretch; My lower body feeling heavier than I ever remember it being, I felt like a hot brick was placed on my pelvis/lower abdomen, and when I reached above my head the pain in my sides, stomach and lower abdomen made me double back down and curl as best as I could to ease the pain.
My husband quickly quipped "oh please be careful I can't take away your pain as much as I wish I could"
I had a cool wash cloth on my forehead, I don't remember putting it there, and a hot pack on my lower back. (How did they get there? Did he watch me all night?)
He had, he relayed to me that my alarm for my narcotic went off at 3am but I wasn't moving much until the alarm got louder, he said that when I reached for my cell on my nightstand I dropped in and let out a cry of pain. (I don't remember) he got up and brought me cold water, gave me my pills and watched me try and go back to sleep. An hour went by and although I don't remember this he says I was still crying from the pain I kept repeating that my lower back hurt. He said I was also calling out my Natalia and Sebastian's names.
He went and got a hot pack for my back - slipped it under my back and he said I told him that it felt better a few minutes later.
I continued to ask for my babies calling for them and asking when I could see them again, crying half asleep, half awake and fully broken. My husband says he kept telling me while I was sleeping that they are resting in heaven, and that they're in my heart, that when ever I want to see them I just have to close my eyes and concentrate on them and pray for them and I would be able to see their perfect little faces and feel their tiny hands on mine.
He says that after trying to soothe me, I then stopped calling their names and started to smile, exhaling and inhaling in a more controlled manner. I was soaked in sweat (well at least I felt that way) but I was just clammy my husband took my temperature and it was normal. He went and put a cold wash cloth on my forehead because he knew I was hot in the way I struggled to get the blankets off of me.
I only remember bits and pieces of this because i was half asleep. I couldn't see anything but I could hear his voice. I thought I was dreaming it but I wasn't.
He is a far better man than i deserve and it hurts to love him this much. I feel that because of everything I've lost, maybe It would be best to leave him before I lose him too. I still haven't the courage to say what I was thinking when I woke up.
36-40, F
