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I Have Something to Say

Okay. I saw Cute Library Guy.

It didn't go the way I'd planned in my head.
I was strolling through the library, having seen him in the Employees Only section of the building (it's a back room with a clear glass window peering out in to the library). After a little while of browsing, I nearly bumped in to him from behind as he was taking stock of the DVDs. He turned to look and smiled at me. I wanted to speak but found my lips had gone numb and the words caught in my throat. If I'd spoken, it probably would've come out in dry-heaves. My face was warm and flushed and I couldn't quit looking him over.

After he left the area, I took in a breath and thought, "Get it together -- you're going to say it to him."
He came back around the corner and smiled at me. I could barely smile back, he was that... attractive.

Blah blah, a few minutes later, he walked around a shelf [i]again[/i], and looked directly at me in the eyes, with no expression, and I stared back. Then he left.

Finally, a short while later, after taking a couple DVDs (only because I didn't want to seem odd staying in a library for over an hour and leaving with nothing), I saw him at the front desk. I started over to him... he looked at me and said, with a hurried voice:

"Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I forgot my library card. Could you please check them out for me?"
"Sure."
"What's your last name?"
I gave him my last name, having to spell it out as it's a little unique.
He typed it in, "First name?"
I gave it.
He typed again, pausing and made a face, "How do you spell your last name again?"
I repeated it with a chuckle. He typed it in.
"Looks like you have a couple fines. You don't have to pay it now or anything, so you can forget about it."
"Ah okay," I say. "Oh and the card... does it cost anything to get a new one?"
Immediately after I spoke, "50 cents. But we can just look it up for you next time."
He handed me my items and said, "Have a nice evening."
"Thank you. You too." I caught him giving a quick glimpse as I turned.

So yeah. The awkwardness is real.

... I figure he probably thinks I'm a serial killer, after staring at him so much. :) And it is safe to say it's good I didn't say anything... he didn't seem interested whenever we looked at each other.

Oh well.
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JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
So sorry. Maybe you'll have another chance to say hello when you return the items, or get more.
JupiterDreams · 31-35
Yeah, maybe, heh
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
I would not have had such courage. The only courage I ever get is when I am on social media. Even with women "in real life" I still had to send a note. I could not tell them face to face how I felt. I had a friend once in college and I had a crush on her but I was too shy so I wrote a letter and shoved it under her door. This was 24 years ago, before social media. I did not even use e-mail back then.
JupiterDreams · 31-35
Did anything come of it? Did she respond to your letter?
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
I think I eventually stopped by and we talked. She was not interested in a relationship. She was so nice and outgoing and beautiful. I was ugly and introverted and awkward. But we were friends, which was nice. But after, sadly, our friendship waned. Especially when she got a boyfriend. It was too awkward.

I saw her FB page a few years ago. She is married with 2 kids. She is still beautiful. She was smiling. I still felt something. Sigh.
JupiterDreams · 31-35
I'm sorry. I wish your friendship had gotten to continue though. Maybe something could've happened at a later date... :(
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
It hurt horribly but I eventually got over it.

I have had lots of crushes since then (and before then). But not one woman has ever wanted me. I have been single my whole life.
JupiterDreams · 31-35
I'm sorry. There's still time for you to find someone though
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
If I do, I do. If I don't, I don't. I do not really try that hard, I confess. The only thing I do that comes close to trying is to talk casually with people on here. This is my entire social existence.
JupiterDreams · 31-35
Well, at least you have an outlet here. :) I'm happy for you
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
Meh. This place can be dull at times. And even though I chat with a lot of people I am always lonely. And when I find a friend it remains a long distance friendship. Or else she is non-single and could not hang out with me (usually they keep their involvement on here a secret from their partner).
JupiterDreams · 31-35
Aww, well, I'm sorry :(
JoyfulSilence · 46-50, M
It is what it is.