I Know What I Need,want and Deserve In a Relationship

P4 - So Stinking Miserable...... I'm so stinking miserable. Juz got finished talking to husband for the 1 billionth that I am miserable with him and that I am not staying in this relationship. As always, he is speechless. Can't ever form words or sentences, this guy! ugggh... It hurts so much. Meeting and associating myself w others who plead to be with me, who fall hard, who tries with every fiber of my being. I don't fall for any of it. I don't get suckered in at all. I find myself always with my husband. Naive and stupid, feeling like I can help this lost soul and make this relationship beautiful. gosh, I'm stupid. He doesn't deserve me. He certainly knows it, I kno it, these other guys know it, everyone. But 8 refuse. Everyone deserves a chance. Everyone deserves an opportunity to prove themselves. Gosh, I hate myself. Ugggh... I'm so open, expressive, sensual, weird, crazy, wild. I have to tone myself down and be conservative with him. always. i hate it. hate not being myself. Sometimes, ok, a lot of times I kick myself for not giving this other guy a chance. He begged and pleaded for me to give him, us a chance. but i told him that we do not choose who we fall for. And it so happened I was into the husband. I did have minimal feelings for this other guy but husband wanted to work on our problems. So i dismissed others that pursued me. husband and i needed to fight for our chance, even if it were our last. we deserved to try. ugggh. we're not getting anywhere. we've been tpgether almost 13 yrs now. been "reworking" and "retrying" for almost a full year. I sooo miss the communication and connection i had w the other guy. i wish husband juz tried HALF of what other guy did. juz half!!! even 25%! i don't kno. now i have all of these what ifs. abd it sux. i am going to move on. no doubt husband and i will have an excellent friendship future in our midst. we've always been on good terms. he and i juz don't work well as partners. so disheartening. after 13 yrs. ugggh... i need sleep. i need to stop queztioning these what ifs. breaks my heart...