I Live In Constant Fear
I've been mentally abused for all my life. I've never had anything- no loving family, no real friends, nowhere to go, nothing to hope for. I've just existed, persevered, survived one day at a time, battling depression and contemplating suicide for most part of my youth and adulthood. My relationships have always been difficult and they seemed like a struggle, not a blessing, for most of the time. I used to feel like I had no reason to keep going and I wanted to die- just to stop feeling the pain that seemed like something that would never leave me.
Now I am just MONTHS away from getting my life together, I've lived in the darkness for so long... and I can finally see the light. I'm 24, I'm close to graduating from college, I've been in a loving, healthy relationship for a few months now, everything just looks good. Suddenly I have a whole lot to live for, a whole lot to hope for. And I am literally HAUNTED with fear- so bad I can't even verbalize. I am scared that my little fairy tale will never become real. I am scared I'll get sick and die before I move out, before I am able to live with my boyfriend, before I get engaged, married, stable. I am slowly getting completely paranoid about my health, both mental and physical. I am scared my boyfriend could get sick, or that something bad might happen to him. My fear is completely irrational, and I know my body and mind are just tired with the stress and abuse I've been experiencing for my whole life. I know it's natural to be afraid of losing things that make our life worth living, and that my situation is pretty "special" here, since it's the first time I actually feel like living my life, I am not unhappy and hopeless for once. I just don't want to miss my happiness that feels just like inches away. I want to be able to live, love, enjoy my life, like all the young people seem to do. I am not asking for anything, I just wish I could believe everything is going to be okay.
If you can say a prayer for me, please, do, because I feel like I'm losing my mind- thank you in advance. And if you can't say anything nice- just please, say nothing at all, I've been tormented enough. Thank you.
Now I am just MONTHS away from getting my life together, I've lived in the darkness for so long... and I can finally see the light. I'm 24, I'm close to graduating from college, I've been in a loving, healthy relationship for a few months now, everything just looks good. Suddenly I have a whole lot to live for, a whole lot to hope for. And I am literally HAUNTED with fear- so bad I can't even verbalize. I am scared that my little fairy tale will never become real. I am scared I'll get sick and die before I move out, before I am able to live with my boyfriend, before I get engaged, married, stable. I am slowly getting completely paranoid about my health, both mental and physical. I am scared my boyfriend could get sick, or that something bad might happen to him. My fear is completely irrational, and I know my body and mind are just tired with the stress and abuse I've been experiencing for my whole life. I know it's natural to be afraid of losing things that make our life worth living, and that my situation is pretty "special" here, since it's the first time I actually feel like living my life, I am not unhappy and hopeless for once. I just don't want to miss my happiness that feels just like inches away. I want to be able to live, love, enjoy my life, like all the young people seem to do. I am not asking for anything, I just wish I could believe everything is going to be okay.
If you can say a prayer for me, please, do, because I feel like I'm losing my mind- thank you in advance. And if you can't say anything nice- just please, say nothing at all, I've been tormented enough. Thank you.
31-35, F
