I Know Love Is A Beautiful And Precious Thing

I guess that's true loneliness hurts, Makes you feel that a part of you is gone. When my husband was in the 12 months after we married. I watched them pick the most qualified with the most ability, with the least rank be picked to fill in for a man that went AWOL because he did not want to get out of a bar for 101 days. My husband was supposed to get 30 days leave for our honeymoon then. He came out the hatch, his XO walked up to him with an orders packet, his CO went to him and talked for a bit and my husband saluted them too the orders packet and went to the Boat out board getting ready to go to sea in the next 20 minutes.
On the ride home the other wives said even though my husband had to go back out to sea I could still go to the off crew celebration at the air base EM club The wife that was my best friend had a brother that was a Lt on the C141s on the base. A pilot, She introduced us at the celebration, I got a little drunk my husband was again gone. and the Lt took me home, when I woke up the next morning he was beside me. I was really depressed thinking if my husband could never be bothered to come to his own wife why not take a lover.
I knew that it was not my husbands idea to go back to sea but I also knew the next oppertunity was June for him to come home because he had the patrol with the boat he just went out on and when he returned it was going to be going back out with his normal command. The Lt moved in with me the next week, When June came around his Command had been fully informed of my live in. They decided it was better to send him back to sea again than risk an interservice confrontation between a combat trained enlisted man, and a pilot in the air force. My pilot came in one day with news he was being transferred to Italy. So I got my typewriter out and was going to have a letter given to my husband the next time he was off patrol. I was going to hand it to the ombudsman as well as the papers I was going to file for a divorce.
My pilot however said we had fun but he was not looking for a wife to go with him to Italy. I just pushed the letter into my journal, and the bi polar hit the first time a week latter. The Navy again decided my husbands duties came before home and Kept him gone for a year and seven months more Sent some men to move the apartment I lived in into a storage shed and sent me home with my mother to Norfolk. MY and my husbands life has never gone right. My illness, my husbands exhaustion when he discharged. His fathers need to have my husband do exactly as him and his friends wanted. My belief I was helping out getting my husband not to defy the wishes of other people. to the point the only thing my husband knew was work. Then how to get so defiant people were badly hurt, the fights were terrible until he developed a MRSA Abcess In his spine causing four inches of his spinal cord to be crushed. And he now won't forgive anything in the past, he would not consider a suggestion to reset everything to the suggested wait time we thought of when he came home from the navy in 1985 of 2 years or more, to make any decisions about vacations, sex, holiday participation, just to let everyone catch their breath think about solutions to all his grievances over 31 years.
He decided we have nothing to say any longer about the way things have to be considered and he uses his fists his cane and even tells me if I don't like him taking his rights back then the door is there the street is on the other side, and I could put my feet on it and pick any direction. The day He came home from a stress center He came home angry about my last affair he caught me in he came home determined he was no longer playing second fiddle to everyone else, he came home with the idea that we had used up all the time we could plead for ever again, he was not going to let us catch a breath. He ripped all the cloths off I was going to were to this event with his, mother, father and his fathers best friend.
He told me if I wanted to go I was going nude, and I had one minute to get out to the curb in minus 40 degree wind chills. If I was not on the curb in that one minute He would take it as my permission to procced any way he wished. I was crying by this point begging him before he ripped my cloths off to meet after the event someplace where we could talk all his grievances through. I was thinking maybe we could come up with some solutions to what he was angry about, I accidently said where we could decide what he was allowed. I was trying to think of something that could slow him down to allow us to get something he would accept in line, I was even thinking maybe a hooker would help. to make up for the affairs I had. I even had a friend and my sister make the offer.
IN everything there was not a compromise or any forgiving the past. no reprieve or time to think. Three years ago my husband raped me, Threw his fathers best friend at his fathers windshield. and all there is; is defiance and rage from my husband. even to the point this year I only tried a compromise not to take this years vacation to Cancun once. I said I knew it was not right to ask him once again to back away one more time, but after the defiance and ruining of traditions he had been kept working through the last 32 years couldn't he just let this one pass and let me talk myself blue to take the one to Hawaii in 2018. Just let things up easy, I just got one word, Why, then a lecture about just when has any one let him up easy. I thought we never did, there was always someone else that had more needs than his then he was sick.
Lonliness can burn a lot of bridges, it can cause you to become trapped with the largest tiger in the forest.

This is true. It hurts because most people don't understand what love really is and therefore misuse and abuse it to know its meaning.

They use love against people and use manipulation to make that person love them. This is wrong, love shouldn't isn't experienced this way.

Love is given never used to posses people to get love. You give it first and you often times receive love. If you don't that's ok, you love anyway. Love is ever flowing and cannot be tethered down to expectation of how love' should be'.

You experience it wholly, to receive its meaning and fullness. And then you know how to treat this gift of love and how you give it to others, holding no expectation.

It is free and liberating if done this way :) Allowing for love to be all that it can be for you!