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I Am Not Expressive

Would you love me?
If I told you I was molested?
If I told you I hate Myself?
If I told you I don't know my identity.
If I told you I'm not the person you see.
If I told you I barely want to wake up in the morning.
If I told you I'm disgusting.
If I told you I'm lonely.
If I told you I'm ashamed.
The person you see is never certain of himself.
Always wanting help.
But knows he can't seek it.
Knowing his character will be judged.
Going out of my way to help or keep others happy.
But never myself.
Would you love me?
I don't think you can.
Only when you understand me.
Is only when you can love me.
For I don't understand myself
So no way can I love myself.
Would you love me?
There's people I wish I can open up to.
But it seems impossible.
Would They love me?
But I don't think they'd understand.
That doubt and fear is always here.
Wanting to be at peace.
Would they love me if I shared?
Wanting care.
A hug.
A warm Gentle hug.
Saying I understand.
Would it erase my fear.
My anxiety gone.
My depression no longer here?
Ive run from some of the people that were there.
Who did care.
I looked at them with a blank stare.
Something inside....
Has died.
Myself.
Never showing it.
I hide my fractured soul.
With anger.
You've noticed a change.
But never knew the reasoning.
No longer do you reach out for me.
It hurts me to know you don't understand.
Only Blaming myself.
When I'm around now.
Nothing feels the same.
How it use to be.
For me.
I'm no longer present.
Things take me back.
So much on mind.
When you see me with that blank stare.
Would you love me?
kodiac · 22-25, M
@AlyAngel Thank you ,seems like a lifetime since i wrote these
SW-User
Would you give them a chance
To listen to your story
Of who hurt you
Of the parts of you that you'd kill?

Would you let Them
reach out and tell you about their Identity
reach out and dip their fingers into the ink of your true self?

Would you let me
Tell you that this morning suicide was on my mind, that I barely made it to work?
I hate myself too, There are days I cannot handle the sludge in my heart

I live in a city, a sea of people, I've never seen so many people and felt so alone, so insane, so crazy, so invalid, so horribly, terribly isolated.
I am ashamed of the name I bear, for I am my father's son.

Even I, one who knows God, am never quite certain
that what I do is what I should do, what should I do?
And man will nigh always judge you for being a man of pain, of sorrow,
But there will be someone who knows some of what you know of pain

I know what you mean
when you say what you have to say
of helping others but never yourself
We cannot help ourselves, but I know the one Who can

I am no expert, I am no God,
but, brother, you are not alone, though I don't fully know you
as one who wandered this earth alone for so long, I do know, though
The pain of isolation, I feel it still, even in the light there is shadow.

But to Love is not always to understand...
Sometimes it is to shut the fuck up and listen and validate and say
I get that, I feel that, I'm sorry that you deal with that
To love is to encourage one another in the darkness, for we cannot see alone

To Love is to be there at one's darkest hour, not to fully understand
but to hear out, to lead one to the truth, to remind them
That they are alive, that they breathe, that there is a way out
Stay alive, Stay alive, Stay alive...

And those who we choose to open our hearts to
They hold the power in their tongues and their hearts
to make us or break us, so who can say who we should let in?

Brother, I am sorry you know death the way you know death
I am familiar with my Demons' eyes, though I am stronger than they
They still plague me, but God knows them better than I
He knows how to kill what I cannot possibly harm

You are not alone.
There are parts of all of us that are dead.
My joy, once dead, now lives once more. There is a way out.
Nothing will ever be the same,
but I tell you now I am better for having lived.

You've made it so far
Don't you dare give up now,
It's been a long 22 years
But I tell you now I am better for having lived.
kodiac · 22-25, M
@SW-User It seems like someone much older might have written your reply. Thanks for your words of encouragement.
SW-User
@kodiac You are most welcome.
Thank you for your compliments.
Risking hurt and rejection to reach out to another human being is possibly the most courageous act possible. Sometimes it's the only way to begin the healing.
Hugs.. 🙂 Of course.. And it's not your fault that some pig headed perv took advantage of you. Dont blame yourself 😕 Ugh.. To hell with them 😐😡😶😐
This message was deleted by the author of the main post.
SW-User
@SW-User who you be?
Im curious

 
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