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I Feel Worthless

[c=#BF0000]Every single time I hear my dad on the phone to his ex-wife I go back to the time when he was with her, it makes me feel so worthless knowing that if she asked him to he'd go running back to her without a second thought, her kids were assholes to me and when I needed him the most he was never there... scratch that, even when I didn't need him he still wasn't there (damn it, I'm gonna start crying soon so I can't finish typing)[/c]

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rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

it hurts so much because he's the only parent that I have that even talks to me... despite them all being orders, the only ones that aren't are 'how was school?' and that's it

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

I am sure it does. My dad left us before so I know what you mean. However, give it some time, you are hurting because you love him. hang in there and keep your chin up. I'm sure he loves you too.

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

I know he loves me... Do you know the song 'When I'm Gone' by Eminem? it's kinda like that but I'm his daughter and Kim, only instead of him leaving the house his mind leaves and he drowns himself in smoking and alcohol

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

Who else are living with you in the house? Do you have any siblings?

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

I have a half brother who's with my mum, I only live with my grandmother and uncle... my uncle was like a brother to me when we were kids but now we rarely talk and my grandmother is gone for the week

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

@rose1darkflower: why cant you live with your mum and brother?

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

financial and space reasons

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

my home here may be unstable but financially it's what's best for money since my grandmother is a nurse

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

@rose1darkflower: i hope they dont live too far from you, and that you all get along

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

my mum lives an hours walk from me, she has my number and I have her on facebook and she's always on... but she never talks to me, never comes to visit me and the only way I can see or talk to her is when she's organizing an event or if I talk to her first

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

I think you need to start reaching out to her. She need to know that you're sad. She's your mom, she needs to be there for you.

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

She does know, when we do talk I love it, we talk about anything and everything, it's the one thing that makes me happy, just talking about anything... one time she tried describing depression to me and I said 'yes, I know how it feels' and continued to describe it for her

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

I have had an emotional breakdown the last time I saw her and I told her almost everything so she knows that I am very sad

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

When was that? Anyways, if you dont feel like talking to her then dont, you still have us here :)

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

it was end of September start of October so not long ago and thanks PaintedVeil

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

hey, no problem. You remind me of one of my students tbh :) and the only advice I gave her was "everything is temporary, so this shall pass too, you just gotta hold on tight" cry if you must, scream is okay too.. but don't dwell in it. this is the starting point of being a victim mentality, and i am very sure you aren't like that.

you are stronger than you think!

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

I feel so weak though, how can I be strong when everyone points out how fragile I look

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

Who is this everyone? the asshole kids? pffft... who cares?! right now you're just feeling crappy, which is totally cool. But you'll get through this. People will ALWAYS point out at our flaws. So, it is all back to us, do we wanna listen to the devil? or do we want to be kind to ourselves?

I always tell myself, even when I was your age, "the only person you can count on, is yourself, because at the end of the day, all you got is you."

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

I told myself that at my old school, tested the theory a few times.... it proved true so I distanced myself and the only time people decided to look for me is if they wanted something from me

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

and why do you think they come to you? because you're kind! because they know you will give or help. now I know this might sound cliche, but I understand girls your age are in "fragile" state, therefore, surround yourself with happy positive people. people who will lift you up, be critical, and only listen to those that matter.

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

no they come to me because they thought I was smart and payed attention to the teacher for if they had homework... that was it, oh, or they wanted money

PaintedVeil · 41-45, F

well I'm sure you are smart. i'm sure you have other friends as well, just stay away from these kids

rose1darkflower · 22-25, F

it's kind of hard when I have to see them everyday at school, it's even worse when my back is to them