I Want to Be Free
So many things I could free myself of but don't. Do I simply not do so because I am weak? Or is the excuse of procrastination be used because I am weak? I am weak yet not. You are weak yet not. It doesn't matter. Depression really sneaks up on ya at night you know. The silence really rips down those walls and chains holding depression at bay... Am I depressed or am just another whiney teen who'll get brushed aside because no one will truly listen? Maybe I should just do what you big and all knowing adults do and drown my sorrows in alcohol. Even if I drink to forget it's likely to come back. It always does this emptiness.
What is inside me...? Muscle, fat, blood, veins, and bone. What else? A soul, emotions, a feeling of belonging and love? I feel nothing. I would cry but then in the eyes of others I would be viewed as weak even though someone else in my shoes would of killed themselves long ago. Should I do just that? Slit my wrists or hang myself? I have no future. The future is supposed to be something to look forward to and wonder about the amazing things ahead. I see none of that in my future. Im hurting but I won't mention it or speak of it. It would be a social and family taboo. I only told one person. But I doubt they believed me. Just another girl who has a "bad" family and life.
My life ain't that bad. Someone would be happy as can be living like I do but I am not. I am not happy. Sometimes I am but I go back to living numbed and empty. I feel nothing. Due to my age I'll just be ignored for im just "exaggerating" or im on my period. **** you. You know nothing. No one does. Not even me. I can't tell anyone because everything will be swept out from underneath and same goes for my family members. Forever I must stay silenced. Never telling someone about the nights as a elementary schooler wishing I was dead. Never speaking of why I make no effort to make friends. Why I am so aggressive when angry. I am sad.
Only at times like this when I am at my lowest and depressed I'm able to... express my emotions and otherwise. Most of the time I use sarcasm and humor to hide everything. I'm surprisingly funny somehow. The people I see are so happy. Why are they so happy? Why can they have such happiness whilst im like this? They make me uncomfortable. Their happiness I find strange and alien. Surely they are really not that happy? Maybe they are really good at pretending to be happy. Its unlikely. They have something I do not. What that is I don't know. I would like to have it but I'll never get it. My emotions have numbed and I continue to bottle everything up.
This will be the death of me. Bottling things up that is. I wish I wasn't this. This meatsuit and a name, life, and home. I don't want to continue this ******* game of life bs anymore. I don't want this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get money to survive. I want to live but not like this. This disgusting human lifestyle. Being here hurts. Existing hurts. I am hurting but no one will care. I wish... So many ungranted wishes. So many things that will never come true and happen.
But nevertheless live goes on. Whether its pleasant or not. Will I be free of the burden I place upon myself? No. Its not likely. Still atleast I try. Even if its not good enough my attempts at trying to help myself. Hey, its not like anyone around me will bother or atleast try right? *sigh* it could be worse... It could be worse...
What is inside me...? Muscle, fat, blood, veins, and bone. What else? A soul, emotions, a feeling of belonging and love? I feel nothing. I would cry but then in the eyes of others I would be viewed as weak even though someone else in my shoes would of killed themselves long ago. Should I do just that? Slit my wrists or hang myself? I have no future. The future is supposed to be something to look forward to and wonder about the amazing things ahead. I see none of that in my future. Im hurting but I won't mention it or speak of it. It would be a social and family taboo. I only told one person. But I doubt they believed me. Just another girl who has a "bad" family and life.
My life ain't that bad. Someone would be happy as can be living like I do but I am not. I am not happy. Sometimes I am but I go back to living numbed and empty. I feel nothing. Due to my age I'll just be ignored for im just "exaggerating" or im on my period. **** you. You know nothing. No one does. Not even me. I can't tell anyone because everything will be swept out from underneath and same goes for my family members. Forever I must stay silenced. Never telling someone about the nights as a elementary schooler wishing I was dead. Never speaking of why I make no effort to make friends. Why I am so aggressive when angry. I am sad.
Only at times like this when I am at my lowest and depressed I'm able to... express my emotions and otherwise. Most of the time I use sarcasm and humor to hide everything. I'm surprisingly funny somehow. The people I see are so happy. Why are they so happy? Why can they have such happiness whilst im like this? They make me uncomfortable. Their happiness I find strange and alien. Surely they are really not that happy? Maybe they are really good at pretending to be happy. Its unlikely. They have something I do not. What that is I don't know. I would like to have it but I'll never get it. My emotions have numbed and I continue to bottle everything up.
This will be the death of me. Bottling things up that is. I wish I wasn't this. This meatsuit and a name, life, and home. I don't want to continue this ******* game of life bs anymore. I don't want this. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to get money to survive. I want to live but not like this. This disgusting human lifestyle. Being here hurts. Existing hurts. I am hurting but no one will care. I wish... So many ungranted wishes. So many things that will never come true and happen.
But nevertheless live goes on. Whether its pleasant or not. Will I be free of the burden I place upon myself? No. Its not likely. Still atleast I try. Even if its not good enough my attempts at trying to help myself. Hey, its not like anyone around me will bother or atleast try right? *sigh* it could be worse... It could be worse...
SW-User