I Like Puns

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Daughter: „Mom, can I get a cat or a dog at Christmas, please?“
Mom: „No honey, you will be getting turkey, like every Christmas!“

My socks got really holy. I can only wear them to church.

Whenever I undress in the bathroom, my shower gets turned on.

If you spent your day in a well, can you say your day was well-spent?

I Googled "how to start a wildfire".
I got 48,500 matches.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"
The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

A guy was admitted to hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is now stable.

Why did the balloon go near the needle?
He wanted to be a pop star.

I was hoping to steal some leftovers from the party but I guess my plans were foiled.

Which country’s capital is the fastest growing?
Ireland’s - Every year it’s Dublin.

Never date cross eyed people. They might be seeing somebody on the side!