I Want To Be Wanted But Dont Feel Good Enough

I invited my friend Button to a Halloween party I'm supposed to go to every year because I didn't wanna be alone in a corner somewhere, feeling suicidal or something. She seemed awkward and distant the whole time. But she's always been like that. Okay so maybe it was just herself, but I felt like she didn't want to be around me. It's probably because I cut myself when I found out how many girls were with her. I wouldn't blame her, I would've felt uncomfortable around someone who did that because of me. She kept mentioning other girls and saying stuff about her girlfriend. She's my happiness. She's my only thing in life keeping me together, but it seems like she doesn't notice. I feel so pressured and useless, I wanna kill myself