I Always See Room For Personal Growth And Improvement
Don’t you hate when you have a moment of clarity and really want to write about all these meaningful thoughts/conclusions swimming through your mind, but you don’t have the time :P Then when you do have the time it’s just a bunch of jumbled thoughts fighting to see which thought can make the least sense :P lol The latter is me right now, but I’m still going to try or I won’t have time at all :P
2017 has been weird for me. I’ve posted about it before, so I’m not going into everything. The past couple days I’ve been thinking about the state of my mental health, how I’ve handled it this year, mistakes I’ve made and how I could’ve done better.
I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying understand why I feel certain ways a lot of the time...alone, not fitting in anywhere, easier to anger, etc. I’ve spent a lot of time investigating my inner thoughts and feelings and trying to make sense of them. I think I’ve spent far too much time focusing on myself though. Yes, I’ve been trying to be a better person, but it’s caused me to think of myself too much...talk about myself too much.
This year I’ve developed a terrible habit of talking to much. I truly do believe people find me annoying because of it. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’ve asked a few people and they’ve insisted I’m wrong, but how often are people honest about that stuff :P They don’t want to hurt your feelings. My boyfriend says I’ve been talking too much.
Then, last night he and I had a moment that really got me to thinking. I walked to my nightstand, unplugged his iPad from the charger and plugged my phone in. When he came in to kiss me goodnight and grab the iPad he scolded me for not plugging his iPad into the other charger. He told me I was very self serving.
Now mind you, I didn’t realize there was another charger. Plus, he charges it there every day and it’s charged when I unplug it, so why would I have thought to plug it back in? I didn’t do anything I don’t do every day :P
But, the comment about me being self serving. It stuck with me and it’s really had me pondering it. I’ve come to the conclusion that in my thoughts, I AM very self serving. I’m constantly beating myself up mentally, analyzing certain things about myself and trying to figure out why I am how I am and how to fix it...why I this, why I that....Me me me. I think if I stopped thinking of myself so much and started focusing more on what’s going on around me...stop talking and start listening to what people around me are saying...I think I’d be better off. It’s almost as if I’ve created this private bubble for myself this year. I’m so trapped inside it that I just can’t fit in with the world outside it.
All that exists in this bubble the majority of the time is a million of my own insecurities. It’s frustrating, because in a lot of ways I’m a very confidant person. I honestly think reconnecting with an old friend earlier this year spurred a lot of this on. He has a weird way of tearing you down while showing the appearance of being a good friend. It’s hard to explain. But anyway, now I just can’t get rid of these ridiculous thoughts.
You know how if you’re looking for something, you’re more likely to find IT than the opposite of it? :P Well that’s what I keep doing to myself. I’ve got to stop thinking so much and internalizing everything. Actually, I just realized, that’s the main thing he did...he’d make me analyze things. Things I was perfectly happy with. Plant seeds to make me doubt them, which in turn made me doubt myself. And I’m still doing it! Even though he’s not around anymore. I’ve got to stop trapping myself in this bubble!
So, from here on out I’m going to try to turn off my analyzer :P Continue talking less, listening more. It’s surprising the things I’ve learned the last 3 days just by not talking. You hear all kinds of things, even when people are ignoring you and talking right next to you :P But yeah, I’m just going to focus more on the present and what IS rather than what I think it may or may not be :P I’m going to focus more on others and stop worrying so much about myself. All I’m doing is hindering myself and not allowing myself to heal naturally, which I think is what I need...just allow time to do it’s thing naturally and stop trying to pick everything apart, solve it, and fix it. Because all my pondering over it all is doing is enhancing my insecurities and making me even more insecure! Time to get a grip :P lol
So yeah, here’s to just accepting that I’m screwed up, keeping it to myself, and moving on with some dignity. Hopefully by the time I get pregnant I’ll be a better role model. Not that I’m a bad one now, but I don’t want to be doubting myself all the time. Who does?!
Goodnight world
2017 has been weird for me. I’ve posted about it before, so I’m not going into everything. The past couple days I’ve been thinking about the state of my mental health, how I’ve handled it this year, mistakes I’ve made and how I could’ve done better.
I’ve spent a lot of time this year trying understand why I feel certain ways a lot of the time...alone, not fitting in anywhere, easier to anger, etc. I’ve spent a lot of time investigating my inner thoughts and feelings and trying to make sense of them. I think I’ve spent far too much time focusing on myself though. Yes, I’ve been trying to be a better person, but it’s caused me to think of myself too much...talk about myself too much.
This year I’ve developed a terrible habit of talking to much. I truly do believe people find me annoying because of it. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’ve asked a few people and they’ve insisted I’m wrong, but how often are people honest about that stuff :P They don’t want to hurt your feelings. My boyfriend says I’ve been talking too much.
Then, last night he and I had a moment that really got me to thinking. I walked to my nightstand, unplugged his iPad from the charger and plugged my phone in. When he came in to kiss me goodnight and grab the iPad he scolded me for not plugging his iPad into the other charger. He told me I was very self serving.
Now mind you, I didn’t realize there was another charger. Plus, he charges it there every day and it’s charged when I unplug it, so why would I have thought to plug it back in? I didn’t do anything I don’t do every day :P
But, the comment about me being self serving. It stuck with me and it’s really had me pondering it. I’ve come to the conclusion that in my thoughts, I AM very self serving. I’m constantly beating myself up mentally, analyzing certain things about myself and trying to figure out why I am how I am and how to fix it...why I this, why I that....Me me me. I think if I stopped thinking of myself so much and started focusing more on what’s going on around me...stop talking and start listening to what people around me are saying...I think I’d be better off. It’s almost as if I’ve created this private bubble for myself this year. I’m so trapped inside it that I just can’t fit in with the world outside it.
All that exists in this bubble the majority of the time is a million of my own insecurities. It’s frustrating, because in a lot of ways I’m a very confidant person. I honestly think reconnecting with an old friend earlier this year spurred a lot of this on. He has a weird way of tearing you down while showing the appearance of being a good friend. It’s hard to explain. But anyway, now I just can’t get rid of these ridiculous thoughts.
You know how if you’re looking for something, you’re more likely to find IT than the opposite of it? :P Well that’s what I keep doing to myself. I’ve got to stop thinking so much and internalizing everything. Actually, I just realized, that’s the main thing he did...he’d make me analyze things. Things I was perfectly happy with. Plant seeds to make me doubt them, which in turn made me doubt myself. And I’m still doing it! Even though he’s not around anymore. I’ve got to stop trapping myself in this bubble!
So, from here on out I’m going to try to turn off my analyzer :P Continue talking less, listening more. It’s surprising the things I’ve learned the last 3 days just by not talking. You hear all kinds of things, even when people are ignoring you and talking right next to you :P But yeah, I’m just going to focus more on the present and what IS rather than what I think it may or may not be :P I’m going to focus more on others and stop worrying so much about myself. All I’m doing is hindering myself and not allowing myself to heal naturally, which I think is what I need...just allow time to do it’s thing naturally and stop trying to pick everything apart, solve it, and fix it. Because all my pondering over it all is doing is enhancing my insecurities and making me even more insecure! Time to get a grip :P lol
So yeah, here’s to just accepting that I’m screwed up, keeping it to myself, and moving on with some dignity. Hopefully by the time I get pregnant I’ll be a better role model. Not that I’m a bad one now, but I don’t want to be doubting myself all the time. Who does?!
Goodnight world
