I Always See Room For Personal Growth And Improvement
This is going to be long. So if you lack the ability to read more than a paragraph, move along. Don’t complain to me that this is long. I’m the one typing it. For myself. You have the freedom to do whatever you want with your time. I only say this because there never fails to be that person trolling along spouting negative complaints about how they can’t read long posts or they feel the need to mock, belittle, etc a post without even reading the whole thing to know what on earth they’re talking about. Lol. That being said, I’m sure there will STILL be that one person who just can’t resist making a fool of him/herself lol. But what do I care!
Anywho, I want to tackle two things here. First off, I want to tackle one of the journaling topics for personal growth. Second, I want to summarize my goals for this 30 day challenge I’m starting tomorrow.
So, to begin with this journaling topic, let’s just jump straight in.
*Reevaluate a long-held negative belief and replace it with a new one. Say this affirmation to yourself every day.
Well, I don’t really believe in repeating an affirmation to myself every day. Honestly, the more I say something positive to myself the more I critique it than believe if :P But I am willing to try to replace negativity with positivity!
Let’s see...a long-held negative belief....
I guess I’m going to stretch this a little bit as there actually is something I’ve been trying to work on, but it’s a little more complex than a simple belief. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned about myself and my relations with others is that I constantly look for reasons to believe people don’t really like me or that they’re untrustworthy. However, due to the fact that I’m LOOKING for reasons, my perceptions of behaviors, statements, etc become tainted. Of course you’re going to think people don’t like you when you’re looking for signs that they don’t. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I never believe I’m good enough in one way or another. I never believe I’m worthy of being loved, admired, or whatever.
I know it sounds so cliche, but I think it goes back to my mother. I have this memory...I was between 6-8 years old I guess, probably closer to 6....I remember laying in bed that night, supposedly asleep, while my parents sat in the living room talking. I remember my mom saying something along the lines of, “I hate that brat.” I laid there for quite some time thinking ‘my mom hates me’....’she hates me’....and I cried myself to sleep. Through the years after that, I never ever believed my mom loved me. She would go on and on and on about how I was the greatest joy of her life and she loved me so much, but all I have heard through any of it was that she hated me. She was a liar, because I’d heard her say how she really felt. I guess I’ve carried that with me my whole life....people say sweet things, do nice things and yet at the end of the day I always wonder what they REALLY think and feel. I wish I could just believe that people genuinely care. I wish i could believe that I’m that loveable.
Now that I’m older and more knowledgeable about the struggles of adulthood and parenting, I realize that most likely my mom didn’t even mean the comment I’d heard that night. She was probably just exhausted and had a really rough day with me. I mean, the poor woman didn’t have me until she was 41 and I was a really energetic bundle of fun :P It’s a wonder she kept up with me at all. Lol. Still, even knowing this truth, its hard to shake the pain those words inflicted on me that night so long ago. I believed them for so many years. Part of me wishes that I could talk to her about it. It would’ve just upset her though and really wouldn’t have given me any peace anymore I’m sure. She’s dead, so I don’t have that luxury anyway...but at least I did know she loved me before she passed. Unfortunately, I also have the memory of her telling me that she wished she’d never had me, that I was her biggest mistake. She wasn’t in her right mind when she said that though. Toward the end she said a lot of things that made no sense and she didn’t even know who we were half the time. But still, that stuff toys with your mind.
Why should it be so hard to convince yourself that youre worthy of other people’s love, admiration, etc? I know I’m amazing. I believe I’m awesome. Yet, I always feel like people can only see my flaws...the worst of me...and even when I do believe someone genuinely enjoys my company and whatnot, it’s as if I’m constantly waiting for them to tire of me or turn on me. I see others who appear to be so open and affectionate and I wish I could just be that unguarded naturally.
You know what...perhaps part of it is that while I do have a very high opinion of myself in many regards, I also have terrible self esteem. What a walking contradiction I am :P I think I’m hilarious and smart...but then compared to others I think I’m bland and uselessly dumb. I think I’m very pretty, but compared to others I think I’m average or even plain and unmemorable. I think I’m exciting and adventurous, but then compared to others I think I’m dull and entirely too timid and inhibited. I think I’m talented, but compared to others I’m just average and unimpressive. I think I’m quirky and unique, but compared to others I’m just outlandishly weird, awkward, and uncomfortably bizarre.
So perhaps those are the beliefs I really need to try to change. By my standards, I’m a full package of awesomeness! But when I compare myself to the world, I’m a total waste of space. Like, whoopidy doo, nothing special here. Just an invisible, easily forgettable bundle of matter.
Well, I’m not sure if I’m making any progress here mentally...perhaps a slow, tiny bit :P But, let’s wrap this up anway...I just need to start believing in myself more and not comparing myself to the world. For one thing, every person is different. Every person has a different definition of what makes a person likeable, cool, funny, etc. You click with some, you don’t with others. It’s not really a big deal. I have to stop being such a hard critic on myself! I have to stop doubting everyone. I have to stop withdrawing behind this invisible wall so much. It’s ok to believe that people genuinely enjoy being around me. I can’t waste another minute doubting everyone! I just need to focus on enjoying their company and being the best person I can be. Nothing else matters.
Ok, that’s that. Now a quick summary of my goals for this 30 day challenge.
1. No social media. Nada, zip, zero!
2. Limited internet time. 10 minutes a day max. (I may come type here if it’s productive toward self improvement, etc.)
3. Eat healthier. Pack lunches for work!
4. No soda
5. In bed by 11, up by 7 to begin workout/chores
6. Read 15 minutes a day
7. Keep up with Daily Cleaning Routine schedule
8. Visit at least 5 people I care about.
9. Express happiness/gratitude for 3 things each day (I’ll probably do that here)
Alrighty, time for bed!
*Positive thoughts for the day:
<3 A warm electric blanket on a cold night
<3 My honey who loves me so much he’s getting a little clingy and annoying lol
<3 That moment when someone looks at you and you know they truly see you. :)
Anywho, I want to tackle two things here. First off, I want to tackle one of the journaling topics for personal growth. Second, I want to summarize my goals for this 30 day challenge I’m starting tomorrow.
So, to begin with this journaling topic, let’s just jump straight in.
*Reevaluate a long-held negative belief and replace it with a new one. Say this affirmation to yourself every day.
Well, I don’t really believe in repeating an affirmation to myself every day. Honestly, the more I say something positive to myself the more I critique it than believe if :P But I am willing to try to replace negativity with positivity!
Let’s see...a long-held negative belief....
I guess I’m going to stretch this a little bit as there actually is something I’ve been trying to work on, but it’s a little more complex than a simple belief. I think the biggest lesson I’ve learned about myself and my relations with others is that I constantly look for reasons to believe people don’t really like me or that they’re untrustworthy. However, due to the fact that I’m LOOKING for reasons, my perceptions of behaviors, statements, etc become tainted. Of course you’re going to think people don’t like you when you’re looking for signs that they don’t. I guess it all boils down to the fact that I never believe I’m good enough in one way or another. I never believe I’m worthy of being loved, admired, or whatever.
I know it sounds so cliche, but I think it goes back to my mother. I have this memory...I was between 6-8 years old I guess, probably closer to 6....I remember laying in bed that night, supposedly asleep, while my parents sat in the living room talking. I remember my mom saying something along the lines of, “I hate that brat.” I laid there for quite some time thinking ‘my mom hates me’....’she hates me’....and I cried myself to sleep. Through the years after that, I never ever believed my mom loved me. She would go on and on and on about how I was the greatest joy of her life and she loved me so much, but all I have heard through any of it was that she hated me. She was a liar, because I’d heard her say how she really felt. I guess I’ve carried that with me my whole life....people say sweet things, do nice things and yet at the end of the day I always wonder what they REALLY think and feel. I wish I could just believe that people genuinely care. I wish i could believe that I’m that loveable.
Now that I’m older and more knowledgeable about the struggles of adulthood and parenting, I realize that most likely my mom didn’t even mean the comment I’d heard that night. She was probably just exhausted and had a really rough day with me. I mean, the poor woman didn’t have me until she was 41 and I was a really energetic bundle of fun :P It’s a wonder she kept up with me at all. Lol. Still, even knowing this truth, its hard to shake the pain those words inflicted on me that night so long ago. I believed them for so many years. Part of me wishes that I could talk to her about it. It would’ve just upset her though and really wouldn’t have given me any peace anymore I’m sure. She’s dead, so I don’t have that luxury anyway...but at least I did know she loved me before she passed. Unfortunately, I also have the memory of her telling me that she wished she’d never had me, that I was her biggest mistake. She wasn’t in her right mind when she said that though. Toward the end she said a lot of things that made no sense and she didn’t even know who we were half the time. But still, that stuff toys with your mind.
Why should it be so hard to convince yourself that youre worthy of other people’s love, admiration, etc? I know I’m amazing. I believe I’m awesome. Yet, I always feel like people can only see my flaws...the worst of me...and even when I do believe someone genuinely enjoys my company and whatnot, it’s as if I’m constantly waiting for them to tire of me or turn on me. I see others who appear to be so open and affectionate and I wish I could just be that unguarded naturally.
You know what...perhaps part of it is that while I do have a very high opinion of myself in many regards, I also have terrible self esteem. What a walking contradiction I am :P I think I’m hilarious and smart...but then compared to others I think I’m bland and uselessly dumb. I think I’m very pretty, but compared to others I think I’m average or even plain and unmemorable. I think I’m exciting and adventurous, but then compared to others I think I’m dull and entirely too timid and inhibited. I think I’m talented, but compared to others I’m just average and unimpressive. I think I’m quirky and unique, but compared to others I’m just outlandishly weird, awkward, and uncomfortably bizarre.
So perhaps those are the beliefs I really need to try to change. By my standards, I’m a full package of awesomeness! But when I compare myself to the world, I’m a total waste of space. Like, whoopidy doo, nothing special here. Just an invisible, easily forgettable bundle of matter.
Well, I’m not sure if I’m making any progress here mentally...perhaps a slow, tiny bit :P But, let’s wrap this up anway...I just need to start believing in myself more and not comparing myself to the world. For one thing, every person is different. Every person has a different definition of what makes a person likeable, cool, funny, etc. You click with some, you don’t with others. It’s not really a big deal. I have to stop being such a hard critic on myself! I have to stop doubting everyone. I have to stop withdrawing behind this invisible wall so much. It’s ok to believe that people genuinely enjoy being around me. I can’t waste another minute doubting everyone! I just need to focus on enjoying their company and being the best person I can be. Nothing else matters.
Ok, that’s that. Now a quick summary of my goals for this 30 day challenge.
1. No social media. Nada, zip, zero!
2. Limited internet time. 10 minutes a day max. (I may come type here if it’s productive toward self improvement, etc.)
3. Eat healthier. Pack lunches for work!
4. No soda
5. In bed by 11, up by 7 to begin workout/chores
6. Read 15 minutes a day
7. Keep up with Daily Cleaning Routine schedule
8. Visit at least 5 people I care about.
9. Express happiness/gratitude for 3 things each day (I’ll probably do that here)
Alrighty, time for bed!
*Positive thoughts for the day:
<3 A warm electric blanket on a cold night
<3 My honey who loves me so much he’s getting a little clingy and annoying lol
<3 That moment when someone looks at you and you know they truly see you. :)
