I Always See Room For Personal Growth And Improvement
2017 has been a weird year for me. It hasn't been a bad year per se....it's just been rough in my head. I've really had to fight to be happy a lot. I'm kind of ashamed of it honestly. I mean, I am so fortunate in so many ways. I've experienced true despair. I know how it feels to be all alone in the world, starving, fighting to make it day by day. So, that awareness makes me ashamed of my personal inability to be happy while being surrounded with so much. I have a great job, great co-workers, phenomenal boyfriend, nice house in a nice area, good friends, no debt, financial security, endless opportunities....so I have no right to get all stuck in my head being sad! Yet, it happens.
I think it mostly stems from feeling a lack of purpose. I used to be needed by many people. I used to have people over all the time. I loved hosting game nights, movie nights, random get togethers....Since I've moved, I just don't have that. I have made one friend up here who is a real jewel. I adore her and I appreciate that she always tries to find time to spend with me. She's just about the only person I have to do anything with around here. My best friend lives out of state, but she calls everyday. I get a lot of happiness from our phone calls. I have one friend from where I'm from who actually comes up here every few months for a lunch date or hiking or whatever. I respect her so much and love her to pieces...Oh, and I have one other who really makes an effort to stay in touch. When I moved up here I really didn't think an hour and 1/2 drive would divide me and my friends so much. It's crazy. I've struggled a lot this year with feeling alone and doubting whether people truly care about me. I know most of it is all in my head though...overthinking, being too critical of myself and doubting myself too much.
Anyway, I don't want to go on too much about all that. I actually came to type with a purpose :P So I'd rather get to that. But to wrap it up a little bit, the last several months were really hard, not to mention the fact we've been trying to conceive since June of last year and still haven't had any luck. That's been another huge thing for me....seeing everyone I know with children while I just don't fit in simply because I don't have children. Listening to people tease about when I'm going to have kids, why don't I, etc....Just the other day I sat with a couple of girls talking, all excited to make some new friends, but apparently they had children and I didn't so they started exchanging numbers and honing in on their family lives and I just kind of became chopped liver. Lol. I'm not going to lie, it hurt...but, it is what it is. I've just been so afraid I'm going to grow old and alone and have no one. I don't have siblings so my boyfriend is really all I have...what if he were to pass before me? But anyway, we're going to see a fertility specialist in a couple of weeks once we get back from vacation....so I'm looking forward to that. There's still hope!
Ok, so, now that that's clear, I really should get to the point :P
This past month I've been working really hard to rebuild myself and my happiness. I've come a pretty long way. Eliminating a toxic friendship helped tremendously! I've been working on not complaining. I've really been focusing on replacing bad habits with new, better habits. It's easier to replace them then just fighting the bad habit on its own :P So, instead of telling myself I won't complain I've just been striving to only speak positively of others and myself (as I have a terrible habit of pointing out my flaws which only makes you look weak, vulnerable, and foolish to others) Also, I've been trying to focus on the positives and make the best of each moment. No point in complaining about something unless you're fixing it :P
I've also been trying to get a grip on my life. I've just fallen apart this year. I haven't been able to keep track of anything. I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached! Lol. I've just been coasting, winging everything. It gets kinda stressful at times though! Not to mention I've been having a hard time finding time just to keep up with housework so then I feel all ashamed and incompetent about that :P So, I've been 'reworking' my routine and habits.
I recently went through and reorganized all the cabinets, drawers, etc...did a deep cleaning of the house and did any repairs that I saw needed tending to. So, that in itself has me feeling refreshed and like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I can just stop procrastinating and keep up with stuff I'll be good! And yikes, speaking of procrastinating, I'm just blabbing away and still haven't gotten to the point of this! Lol. I felt I needed to explain, or at least scratch the surface a little bit before getting into it :P
Sooo, without further ado lol :P I've decided to take on a journaling challenge to try to promote cognitive growth and enhance my perception of my life. It's supposed to be a 30 day challenge, but honestly I doubt I'll have time to sit long enough to type anything of substance every day. We'll see what happens though! I'll do my best :)
So today's challenge:
"What is the driving force of my life?"
Yuck. I kind of hate to start with this one :P Sometimes I feel like I have no incentive to live because I have no purpose or anything that drives me....but I also know that isn't entirely true.
I suppose relationships are what drive me. That would explain why I've struggled with feeling so lonely and purposeless this year. I want to be needed...I strive to be needed....but, we're all adults :P Everyone has their own lives. I want more people to do stuff with and deeper relationships, but at the same time it is hard to find people of the right quality. Don't get me wrong, I've met a bunch of people and I like them and all...but they just don't have the class or intellect I need, or they're just self-absorbed :P lol. That's most people nowadays thanks to social media. :P I'm not saying I'm a brainiac or that I'm the most posh gal around. Lol. In fact, I feel like the dumbest person in the room quite often...and I'm somewhere between really classy and a little redneck. Lol. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to find people I connect with! I'm not classy enough for some, and I'm not trashy enough for others. Lol.
I don't really know how to solve this....I suppose I could start inviting family over? Do family dinners? I could focus on strengthening existing relationships that I truly cherish. Maybe I spend too much time seeking new friends and that's why I get so sad...because I just can't find anyone worth my while. I just want to have a reason to clean the house. Lol. I mean, what's the point of cleaning it immaculately if no one is even going to see it? :P You know what I mean?! This has been part of the struggle. I've felt I have no purpose for existing and I've had no reason to do anything either. So I think striving to just have company over would help a lot.
I definitely need to strive to be a better half in all of my relationships. I mean, it takes two to be close and it takes two to lose touch! My relationship with my boyfriend is solid. I focus on him a lot :P lol. But, I have been pretty bad about not visiting family members and old friends. Of course, they haven't visited me either :P But you know, is that really an excuse? I mean, relationships are like flowers. You plant it, it just sits there...you water it and nurture it, it just sits there....you keep at it, persistently and loyally and one day it starts sprouting out of the dirt. It's still not really doing much for you. You're doing all the work. But, you keep nurturing it and it continues to grow until one day it's a beautiful flower blossoming before your eyes and it makes you really happy. And unfortunately, in my demented realist's mind, I can't help but admit the similarity between how quickly they grow only to die...I've struggled a lot with pushing people away because I know eventually they'll die or leave. BUT, many flowers come back year after year and they do NOT die unless you stop nurturing them!! I have to just accept that you are granted a precious moment of time with each person in your life, whether it be short or lifelong...and we have to cherish the time we have. It's better to have love and lost than the live alone, full of remorse and sadness.
So, that's it I guess....I need to focus on strengthening existing relationships and start hosting events here at the house. And let my guard down. Sounds so simple and silly, lol...but, that's where I am :P The me who existed 7 years ago would be completely flabbergasted at my pitiful social life and whatnot. Lol. I used to be the center of so much...and now I'm just a drifter, lost and aimless...but, I'm finally getting grounded again and getting my stuff together :P
But for now, bed time. Good night world :) Make tomorrow what you want it to be!
I think it mostly stems from feeling a lack of purpose. I used to be needed by many people. I used to have people over all the time. I loved hosting game nights, movie nights, random get togethers....Since I've moved, I just don't have that. I have made one friend up here who is a real jewel. I adore her and I appreciate that she always tries to find time to spend with me. She's just about the only person I have to do anything with around here. My best friend lives out of state, but she calls everyday. I get a lot of happiness from our phone calls. I have one friend from where I'm from who actually comes up here every few months for a lunch date or hiking or whatever. I respect her so much and love her to pieces...Oh, and I have one other who really makes an effort to stay in touch. When I moved up here I really didn't think an hour and 1/2 drive would divide me and my friends so much. It's crazy. I've struggled a lot this year with feeling alone and doubting whether people truly care about me. I know most of it is all in my head though...overthinking, being too critical of myself and doubting myself too much.
Anyway, I don't want to go on too much about all that. I actually came to type with a purpose :P So I'd rather get to that. But to wrap it up a little bit, the last several months were really hard, not to mention the fact we've been trying to conceive since June of last year and still haven't had any luck. That's been another huge thing for me....seeing everyone I know with children while I just don't fit in simply because I don't have children. Listening to people tease about when I'm going to have kids, why don't I, etc....Just the other day I sat with a couple of girls talking, all excited to make some new friends, but apparently they had children and I didn't so they started exchanging numbers and honing in on their family lives and I just kind of became chopped liver. Lol. I'm not going to lie, it hurt...but, it is what it is. I've just been so afraid I'm going to grow old and alone and have no one. I don't have siblings so my boyfriend is really all I have...what if he were to pass before me? But anyway, we're going to see a fertility specialist in a couple of weeks once we get back from vacation....so I'm looking forward to that. There's still hope!
Ok, so, now that that's clear, I really should get to the point :P
This past month I've been working really hard to rebuild myself and my happiness. I've come a pretty long way. Eliminating a toxic friendship helped tremendously! I've been working on not complaining. I've really been focusing on replacing bad habits with new, better habits. It's easier to replace them then just fighting the bad habit on its own :P So, instead of telling myself I won't complain I've just been striving to only speak positively of others and myself (as I have a terrible habit of pointing out my flaws which only makes you look weak, vulnerable, and foolish to others) Also, I've been trying to focus on the positives and make the best of each moment. No point in complaining about something unless you're fixing it :P
I've also been trying to get a grip on my life. I've just fallen apart this year. I haven't been able to keep track of anything. I'd lose my head if it wasn't attached! Lol. I've just been coasting, winging everything. It gets kinda stressful at times though! Not to mention I've been having a hard time finding time just to keep up with housework so then I feel all ashamed and incompetent about that :P So, I've been 'reworking' my routine and habits.
I recently went through and reorganized all the cabinets, drawers, etc...did a deep cleaning of the house and did any repairs that I saw needed tending to. So, that in itself has me feeling refreshed and like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If I can just stop procrastinating and keep up with stuff I'll be good! And yikes, speaking of procrastinating, I'm just blabbing away and still haven't gotten to the point of this! Lol. I felt I needed to explain, or at least scratch the surface a little bit before getting into it :P
Sooo, without further ado lol :P I've decided to take on a journaling challenge to try to promote cognitive growth and enhance my perception of my life. It's supposed to be a 30 day challenge, but honestly I doubt I'll have time to sit long enough to type anything of substance every day. We'll see what happens though! I'll do my best :)
So today's challenge:
"What is the driving force of my life?"
Yuck. I kind of hate to start with this one :P Sometimes I feel like I have no incentive to live because I have no purpose or anything that drives me....but I also know that isn't entirely true.
I suppose relationships are what drive me. That would explain why I've struggled with feeling so lonely and purposeless this year. I want to be needed...I strive to be needed....but, we're all adults :P Everyone has their own lives. I want more people to do stuff with and deeper relationships, but at the same time it is hard to find people of the right quality. Don't get me wrong, I've met a bunch of people and I like them and all...but they just don't have the class or intellect I need, or they're just self-absorbed :P lol. That's most people nowadays thanks to social media. :P I'm not saying I'm a brainiac or that I'm the most posh gal around. Lol. In fact, I feel like the dumbest person in the room quite often...and I'm somewhere between really classy and a little redneck. Lol. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to find people I connect with! I'm not classy enough for some, and I'm not trashy enough for others. Lol.
I don't really know how to solve this....I suppose I could start inviting family over? Do family dinners? I could focus on strengthening existing relationships that I truly cherish. Maybe I spend too much time seeking new friends and that's why I get so sad...because I just can't find anyone worth my while. I just want to have a reason to clean the house. Lol. I mean, what's the point of cleaning it immaculately if no one is even going to see it? :P You know what I mean?! This has been part of the struggle. I've felt I have no purpose for existing and I've had no reason to do anything either. So I think striving to just have company over would help a lot.
I definitely need to strive to be a better half in all of my relationships. I mean, it takes two to be close and it takes two to lose touch! My relationship with my boyfriend is solid. I focus on him a lot :P lol. But, I have been pretty bad about not visiting family members and old friends. Of course, they haven't visited me either :P But you know, is that really an excuse? I mean, relationships are like flowers. You plant it, it just sits there...you water it and nurture it, it just sits there....you keep at it, persistently and loyally and one day it starts sprouting out of the dirt. It's still not really doing much for you. You're doing all the work. But, you keep nurturing it and it continues to grow until one day it's a beautiful flower blossoming before your eyes and it makes you really happy. And unfortunately, in my demented realist's mind, I can't help but admit the similarity between how quickly they grow only to die...I've struggled a lot with pushing people away because I know eventually they'll die or leave. BUT, many flowers come back year after year and they do NOT die unless you stop nurturing them!! I have to just accept that you are granted a precious moment of time with each person in your life, whether it be short or lifelong...and we have to cherish the time we have. It's better to have love and lost than the live alone, full of remorse and sadness.
So, that's it I guess....I need to focus on strengthening existing relationships and start hosting events here at the house. And let my guard down. Sounds so simple and silly, lol...but, that's where I am :P The me who existed 7 years ago would be completely flabbergasted at my pitiful social life and whatnot. Lol. I used to be the center of so much...and now I'm just a drifter, lost and aimless...but, I'm finally getting grounded again and getting my stuff together :P
But for now, bed time. Good night world :) Make tomorrow what you want it to be!
