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I am sorry.

There are so many people I wish I could say sorry to and make amends for all I have done to hurt them. My beloved nan. I spent so much time with you as a child but then as I got older and had issues to deal with I neglected you terribly and I know I hurt you. If I could go back in time and spend more time with you I would. I'd like nothing more than to spend a day hearing you speak again and tell me all the interesting things you told me as a kid. You were an amazing grandmother and I so shamefully neglected you not visiting you when I should have. I'd love to walk the dogs with you again I'm so sorry I was so selfish.

My beloved mother. I know you had such high hopes for me and I know I have disappointed you at every turn. I have tried to be the son you wanted and I have failed despite the time and love you invested in me and I'm sorry. You mean the most to me in the world and I hate that I let you down. I love you so much.

To my mate from 6th form. I don't know what went wrong but I wish it hadn't. I was severely depressed until we met and you cheered me up no end but now you have such a negative view of me and the anguish this causes is painful. I wish I could make amends.

To the kids I went to school with whose life I made a misery I'm sorry. I was going through something similar at home and lashed out at you and I should not have. I have apologised to many of you since but there is one of you, the one I was vilest to, I have yet to say sorry to. I wish I could summon the courage to apologise. Its sad that it's often easier to say unpleasant things than to say sorry for them. But I am so sorry, you were a really good person and I treated you shamefully and believe me when I say I am ashamed of all I did and said to you.

To my wife. I know I have been nothing but a bitter disappointment to you and ruined your plans. I'm happy we separated and you can now move on with your life without me ruining everything for you. I never meant to be such a failure but I have. I wish I could have been the husband you wanted and I wish I was as capable as I first appeared. I feel so much pain for what we went through and you deserve so much more than I could ever give you.

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hartfire

This is a pretty brave and wonderful statement.
I gather you're going through a phase of profound reflection and changes.
Are you in a 12-step program or something similar?

Nomoretomorrow · 46-50, M

@hartfire no, but my life has been nothing but ups and downs, mostly downs over the last two years, I've been in some situations that have made me see myself from the outside and what I've seen isn't nice. I wouldn't say I'm a terrible person and have done many good things in the past but I have had to come to terms with the fact that I've done some awful things too.

hartfire

@Nomoretomorrow We all make mistakes that we later regret.
Coming to terms with them is pretty normal around the early forties.
Sometimes we get the chance to make amends - though it can take sensitivity in the approach because if people refuse it we just have to back off and let them be.
Amends could be repairing or replacing something broken, replacing a bad habit with a good one. Or simply saying what we did wrong, how we hurt the other, and expressing sincere regret. We don't need and shouldn't expect another to forgive us. Though it's nice if they do, the real healing is in the act and the transformation it creates inside us.
We mature; we grow wiser.
Because the brain is plastic, we have the capacity to change and grow in the direction of our choice.
Sometimes the second half of life can be much happier and more functional than the first.
I'm guessing that you're well on track for this brighter future.

Nomoretomorrow · 46-50, M

@hartfire thank you for your kind reply I hope I am. Sadly I have a habit that when things are going right for me I become selfish and oblivious to others and content to revel in my own happiness. When things go wrong I gain a clearer more down to earth viewpoint and see the things I've done and feel ashamed of myself. I vow to change but go back to my old ways when things improve. I really want to be a better person but, like a lot of things, I seem to fail at it. I want to break the cycle of this pattern of behaviour.

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