I Am Sorry
One argument.
Just the same as the other ones.
When we take a step back and look at ourselves we realize that we had gotten no where.
When your doubts, worries, and unconditional love you have shown me transferred into only wanting what is best I was lost.
Couldn't understand.
The only way you could get through to me was with a question.
Because you told me to love God.
I do.
Told me to love myself.
I don't.
And you told me to love my friends and family.
I do.
But something isn't right?
There's not enough "I do" to balance out the three sided spectrum.
It's those methods of control I use to fill the missing parts.
"Think about if your daughter did this..."
Each word burns into the back of my mind.
Only then can I finally understand.
But then you told me to tell you. You told me to tell you outloud how it would make me feel!
Your tone threw me backwards.
You placed that needed fear into me.
I was so surprised that I couldn't even make out simple words.
That feeling is indescribable...
It's indescribable that explains why I am always saying no.
"No I will not stop!"
"It makes me feel good."
"No one is going to make me stop."
I just carry on hurting you.
Please know that I don't mean to.
I just can't understand why?
Why care so much?
Why not believe me when I say I'm fine?
Why not let it go?
I guess maybe what happend to me has made for problems of my comprehension of the word death.
I see how it can hurt me, but I still don't want to stop.
My bad choices are your bad choices.
My good decisions are your good descisions.
That's so much pressure.
It's like im living for two people.
And yea your right... It I can't accept myself how will I be able to care for someone else?
That's so much pressure.
Pressure because I can't go a day without wondering about you.
Are you okay?
Are you happy?
Even if your still alive.
If Ive push you to the edge in which you've been gripping onto for so long that you have decided to finally jump.
It scares me... Scares me to death
You have given me options and I always choose the wrong one.
I choose what hurts you.
Like I've said before, I don't mean to.
Hurting the person I love isn't even at the very bottom of my 'To Do' list.
It's a nonexistant descision.
Your attempts to show me how much I heart you bite at me.
They slowly eat pieces of me away.
When we were talking and I asked you what you were doing.
You were to silent yet you were searching for something and I prayed to God that you wouldn't do it.
I'm still not sure if you did?
But when I told you I had to go it hurt worse than any goodbye I have ever said to you.
I tried not to think about it.
With every bite of that food that you told me to please eat, I had to mentally tell myself to:
"Stop thinking about it."
"Stop thinking about it."
"Stop thinking about it."
Until I was even more suck to my stomach than I already was.
I isolated myself for the rest of the day.
Keeping myself alone I let silence and taughting thoughts be my punishment.
It kept me in chains
Chains that didn't stretch long enough to let me out the door of my room.
Not even the four walls, a roof, two windows, a closet, and a door had enough room for me to say all I needed to say.
The words of fear just bounced around the room until it came to a landing spot on my head.
Over and over again.
I never stop thinking and along with that I assume the worst.
I can hold a grudge just as good as a demon could.
I ask you my friend to please forgive me.
Because this feeling...
Of you being so upset and disappointed at me is something I'm not going to be able to take for very long.
Love,
Sylena
Just the same as the other ones.
When we take a step back and look at ourselves we realize that we had gotten no where.
When your doubts, worries, and unconditional love you have shown me transferred into only wanting what is best I was lost.
Couldn't understand.
The only way you could get through to me was with a question.
Because you told me to love God.
I do.
Told me to love myself.
I don't.
And you told me to love my friends and family.
I do.
But something isn't right?
There's not enough "I do" to balance out the three sided spectrum.
It's those methods of control I use to fill the missing parts.
"Think about if your daughter did this..."
Each word burns into the back of my mind.
Only then can I finally understand.
But then you told me to tell you. You told me to tell you outloud how it would make me feel!
Your tone threw me backwards.
You placed that needed fear into me.
I was so surprised that I couldn't even make out simple words.
That feeling is indescribable...
It's indescribable that explains why I am always saying no.
"No I will not stop!"
"It makes me feel good."
"No one is going to make me stop."
I just carry on hurting you.
Please know that I don't mean to.
I just can't understand why?
Why care so much?
Why not believe me when I say I'm fine?
Why not let it go?
I guess maybe what happend to me has made for problems of my comprehension of the word death.
I see how it can hurt me, but I still don't want to stop.
My bad choices are your bad choices.
My good decisions are your good descisions.
That's so much pressure.
It's like im living for two people.
And yea your right... It I can't accept myself how will I be able to care for someone else?
That's so much pressure.
Pressure because I can't go a day without wondering about you.
Are you okay?
Are you happy?
Even if your still alive.
If Ive push you to the edge in which you've been gripping onto for so long that you have decided to finally jump.
It scares me... Scares me to death
You have given me options and I always choose the wrong one.
I choose what hurts you.
Like I've said before, I don't mean to.
Hurting the person I love isn't even at the very bottom of my 'To Do' list.
It's a nonexistant descision.
Your attempts to show me how much I heart you bite at me.
They slowly eat pieces of me away.
When we were talking and I asked you what you were doing.
You were to silent yet you were searching for something and I prayed to God that you wouldn't do it.
I'm still not sure if you did?
But when I told you I had to go it hurt worse than any goodbye I have ever said to you.
I tried not to think about it.
With every bite of that food that you told me to please eat, I had to mentally tell myself to:
"Stop thinking about it."
"Stop thinking about it."
"Stop thinking about it."
Until I was even more suck to my stomach than I already was.
I isolated myself for the rest of the day.
Keeping myself alone I let silence and taughting thoughts be my punishment.
It kept me in chains
Chains that didn't stretch long enough to let me out the door of my room.
Not even the four walls, a roof, two windows, a closet, and a door had enough room for me to say all I needed to say.
The words of fear just bounced around the room until it came to a landing spot on my head.
Over and over again.
I never stop thinking and along with that I assume the worst.
I can hold a grudge just as good as a demon could.
I ask you my friend to please forgive me.
Because this feeling...
Of you being so upset and disappointed at me is something I'm not going to be able to take for very long.
Love,
Sylena
22-25, F