I Hate Feeling This Way
It doesn't matter if I fix this problem. If I do, it'll be emotionally pyrrich. I'll remember every moment and stupid choice, sign ignored, all against my better judgement, that lead here.
The one time I indulge in any flushed emotion, that I didn't have for years and never wanted and prided myself on having no need. I thought I could turn off at will, keep telling myself I'm pretending, and leave it at a virtual doorstep. I was never happier than I was for that first year and a half talking them. The joy and contentment shattered and went inverse in an instant. If I knew I couldn't bring about my apathy at will anymore and that I could be crushed like that, then I wish I never sensed that joy.
I never been one to take being wrong lightly. I was always used to immerse myself in pretend and be upset coming out of it. This is all the equivalent of a child falling and crying for really no reason. The feeling of tears on my face disgusts me; rubbing them away raw until the next wave comes and stings the skin. I don't want "5 Centimeters Per Second" situation. I've never wanted to work just to try to forget. I never wanted to stop listening to music because it's not enough of a distraction.
The worst part is that tainted the first real and most important friendship to me with this stupid feeling. I put my everything into this. The possibility of having to throw it away just because I can't forget that feeling, how sickeningly panicked and unjustly envious I get is heart breaking. Especially when they've been nothing but a good friend to me. Genuineness in words to them are fading just to hide this. Half of my "I'm fine"s, "I'm okay"s, "I'm so-so"s were lies. So much for no fake smiles.
https://similarworlds.com/7128467-I-Admire-Random-Acts-Of-Kindness/278266-I-told-of-a-miserably-day-masked-with-a-smile-I-wa
I'm just tired... rambling
The one time I indulge in any flushed emotion, that I didn't have for years and never wanted and prided myself on having no need. I thought I could turn off at will, keep telling myself I'm pretending, and leave it at a virtual doorstep. I was never happier than I was for that first year and a half talking them. The joy and contentment shattered and went inverse in an instant. If I knew I couldn't bring about my apathy at will anymore and that I could be crushed like that, then I wish I never sensed that joy.
I never been one to take being wrong lightly. I was always used to immerse myself in pretend and be upset coming out of it. This is all the equivalent of a child falling and crying for really no reason. The feeling of tears on my face disgusts me; rubbing them away raw until the next wave comes and stings the skin. I don't want "5 Centimeters Per Second" situation. I've never wanted to work just to try to forget. I never wanted to stop listening to music because it's not enough of a distraction.
The worst part is that tainted the first real and most important friendship to me with this stupid feeling. I put my everything into this. The possibility of having to throw it away just because I can't forget that feeling, how sickeningly panicked and unjustly envious I get is heart breaking. Especially when they've been nothing but a good friend to me. Genuineness in words to them are fading just to hide this. Half of my "I'm fine"s, "I'm okay"s, "I'm so-so"s were lies. So much for no fake smiles.
https://similarworlds.com/7128467-I-Admire-Random-Acts-Of-Kindness/278266-I-told-of-a-miserably-day-masked-with-a-smile-I-wa
I'm just tired... rambling
