I Have Had A Very Traumatic Life
I've been seeing a therapist for a while now. The plan has been to work through my traumatic past, which has been something I've done my best to avoid. My therapist is patient and wants me to open up at my own readiness. Stuff has come to the surface here and there while we've talked about everyday problems in the meantime, but today I really opened up.
While it is very scary for me, there is a level of hope that is also unknown to me. We've figured out that I've been struggling with dissociation which is where my regular problems with memory and concentration have rooted from.
To put it simply it's like my mind walks out on me whenever it feels like, that at points I'm not always aware of, I've mentally checked out of the moment. It's not even normally related to my trauma, it can be anytime. It can be for small amounts of time or greater ones and leaves gaps in your memory- short and long term alike. This is something common for patients that have lived through trauma, that a person with a traumatic past used this "checking out method" (so to speak) as a means to cope with the trauma going on in their life, then even after the trauma has passed their brain still practices the method. My therapist said it will just be a matter of re-training my brain.
To begin she's assigned me to practice mindfulness. A very easy thing to exercise, a matter of learning to be more in touch with things around me and pertaining to myself. It's sitting down to eat with no distractions. Nothing except me, my plate of food, and the table. One bite at a time, taking in flavors and smells and each morsel of food....It's taking a moment to focus on my breathing (doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing)- just breathing in and out and listening to it....It's looking around a room and naming the ob<x>jects of the room in my head....little things that all bring my brain into check, that help me learn to be more present in my life.
While my ex-husband sent me an email recently once again asking for my forgiveness, I don't think I'm ready for that. And like I told him on a previous occasion- he may never know about it when I do forgive him.
There's a lot to process. From the time I was 12 until about 25 I lived through trauma of some type. Some of which I've told about on here, and a lot which I've told little or even no one about. I don't expect whatever I do work through to be easy (seeing that I probably won't work through it all, just the biggest stuff) but I'm hoping in the long run it will be worth it.
While it is very scary for me, there is a level of hope that is also unknown to me. We've figured out that I've been struggling with dissociation which is where my regular problems with memory and concentration have rooted from.
To put it simply it's like my mind walks out on me whenever it feels like, that at points I'm not always aware of, I've mentally checked out of the moment. It's not even normally related to my trauma, it can be anytime. It can be for small amounts of time or greater ones and leaves gaps in your memory- short and long term alike. This is something common for patients that have lived through trauma, that a person with a traumatic past used this "checking out method" (so to speak) as a means to cope with the trauma going on in their life, then even after the trauma has passed their brain still practices the method. My therapist said it will just be a matter of re-training my brain.
To begin she's assigned me to practice mindfulness. A very easy thing to exercise, a matter of learning to be more in touch with things around me and pertaining to myself. It's sitting down to eat with no distractions. Nothing except me, my plate of food, and the table. One bite at a time, taking in flavors and smells and each morsel of food....It's taking a moment to focus on my breathing (doesn't matter where I'm at or what I'm doing)- just breathing in and out and listening to it....It's looking around a room and naming the ob<x>jects of the room in my head....little things that all bring my brain into check, that help me learn to be more present in my life.
While my ex-husband sent me an email recently once again asking for my forgiveness, I don't think I'm ready for that. And like I told him on a previous occasion- he may never know about it when I do forgive him.
There's a lot to process. From the time I was 12 until about 25 I lived through trauma of some type. Some of which I've told about on here, and a lot which I've told little or even no one about. I don't expect whatever I do work through to be easy (seeing that I probably won't work through it all, just the biggest stuff) but I'm hoping in the long run it will be worth it.
31-35, F
