I Am Single

So naturally, after writing a post saying that I'm completely over the guy who didn't call back, I call him back.

Worst move ever. I know.

At the moment I wasn't sure what to attribute the 'no-call lapse' to. At first, I thought, "Okay, I should take this as a sign that he doesn't want to talk to me, and leave it alone." So I did... for a few days. Then I started to wonder, "What if he thought that I was the person who was supposed to call back and so he's also leaving it alone?" Because we never actually decided who was going to call who back.

Anyways, it's so stupid, and I probably shouldn't have called, but I did. He answered the phone and told him I was just calling because I wasn't sure who was supposed to call. He said that he hadn't called for the same reason. Then he asked me how my summer had been (starting with small talk, as usual). It felt awkward, but I went with it and told him about my summer and then asked how his was. We dabbled in the small talk a bit longer and then I asked him when he was going to ask the obvious question.

He paused. Said he wasn't sure what I had meant.

So I told him, "I was giving you the opportunity to bring it up, but it seems like you're not going to, so I'll just ask you... do you want to be friends or just not talk anymore?" (I didn't give him the third option of being romantic again... I feel like that ship has sailed. At least for me.)

"What do you think?" He asked with consideration.

The fact that he couldn't just give an answer, like ever, made me upset. I had to pause and get something else off of my chest. So I told him, "You know, I appreciate you because you're not reactionary. You take initiative and you're action-oriented, but I've noticed that when it comes to communication you take the back seat and wait for me to initiate. Why is that?"

Ironically, he asked, "Why do you think that is?"

He then pushed it back to me, saying that I'm a therapist and that I should know. I explained that I could have my assumptions, but that he is the only one that knows the real answer to that question. I ended up getting side-tracked into a discussion about science versus art and how psychology isn't a hard science and explaining that one can never fully understand a human-being because there are too many extraneous variables to account for. But eventually, I was able to reign it back into our previous discussion about his resistance to communication.

"Hm, I'll have to think about that." He replied in a perfunctory fashion.

I ended up asking him the question again. Friends or not? He, as expected, said that he wanted to remain friends. It wasn't that I had expected him to say that before asking the question, but as soon as he gave the response I realized that I should've known he was going to go with the answer of least resistance, least conflict. With him, I never even know what's true and what's not. He's so closed off from communicating, that I really don't know what he wants. So even in asking that question and receiving a response, I still feel like it was unanswered.

I don't know...

He used to compliment me a lot while we were in a relationship.

"Thank you for being present." He would say.

I wasn't sure if that was a residual issue that he carried with him from his past marriage. I didn't know whether he was the one that typically wasn't present or if it was her, but regardless, he was very thankful that being present was not a problem for me.

After having this experience with him (the whole beginning of the relationship, to the decline, to this end) I feel like I have a better understanding of where that was coming from now. I think he is the one that struggled with presence.

I see that it is a lot easier for him to numb the emotions, ignore the emotions, and tuck confrontation and communication away in order to survive another day. I don't know his history though. I don't know where that stems from, but I hope one day he figures it out because he is a good person, but if he keeps falling into the same pattern he's going to continue to hurt a lot more people than just himself.

I doubt he even realizes that I am now a part of that count.

Highonheels · 51-55, M

Emotions can be a hard thing to deal with , trust me I’m having a hard time with my own emotions to the point where I’m depressed and not really sure what to say to people sometimes I think if I say the wrong thing they’ll get upset and not want me around and such , emotions can be difficult to process sometimes maybe this guy of yours just isn’t really sure what to say or he’s afraid to say the wrong thing so he puts the ball in your court to get it rolling then he is able to roll with it , idk but some poeple just find communication hard to confront face to face it puts them in defense mode in a sense , I know this from experience I am a rather a shy person when it comes to talking , I don’t really normally like to talk a lot when getting to know someone for the first time it usually takes time for me to open up , sometimes you just have to lead the conversation and hope things go well give him some time to be more open maybe he’ll figure it out some day just be patient with him.

Highonheels · 51-55, M

@wtfgirl001 it’s ok like I said some people are just real timid and shy and need someone to be patient and really kind of dig in to help open them up , picture a turtle all closed up in his shell feeling threatened ,if you give him some time he’ll eventually come out when he feels more secure.

Highonheels · 51-55, M

Yea his reluctance to talk could definetly stem from his previous marriage , I think that’s why was so closed up to and not very social at least to an extent , the way my wife treated me caused me to be extremely shy, timid and bashful when it came to communication with people in general but now I think I’m getting better through this Christian support group called Celabrate Recovery at a local church , it’s starting to bring me out of my shell a little bit it has helped me a lot to understand my depression and anxiety in social situations , maybe he needs something like that if heels feeling down and depressed or dealing with any addictions or something like that , you can google Celabrate Recovery or try to get him into some sort of support group for whatever he’s dealing with , it could be that he’s hiding something that he feels could be a catalyst to rejection and fear of intimacy or opening up to someone , help him out be there for him let him know you care enough to stick by his side through his tough times and not judge him for whatever he’s dealing with and be open minded let him know your willing to help him if he needs it , be a true friend.