I Can't Talk to People

do you ever get so disappointed with yourself that tyou feel your heart being ripped out? I can never talk freely, without a plan, an emergency exit, without fiddling my hands , sweating ,escaping, and when i do escape, i'll feel guilty, ill wish that i talked, that i had the courage, but it happens all over again, even if i already prepared myself for it. I just cant talk topeople u know? Judgement, closeness, different interests, uncomfortableness,some of the reasons i hide behind of, i just cant.... Sometimes i cant even talk to my parents, ill look at my sister and nothing,as if there was an absence of bond, itll feel as if she is a stranger, but only sometimes. In school, i cannot bare to recite, i want attention (i mean we are all human, i can be a little selfish,right?) i seek it, but i also avoid it? I dont know anymore, i wanna explode with thoughts running out of my mouth into sentences i want to let others see me for what i am i just want to be close to someone and. Be happy. But i dont know how to
And i know that i am young, i know theres light at the end if the tunnel, but i just want to know, i just wannt to know how do i connect
How do i connect to others