I Am Suffering From Heartbreak
I want to share my personal journey here because I’m hoping that if any of you are in a similar situation, it will make you feel less alone.
I have been married almost nineteen years, and have spent much of that time watching my partner avoid negative emotions or conflict by swallowing his feelings with the help of food and alcohol. As a child, he became very good at living in emotional “survival mode” because he had to...as an adult, well, we all know how well that works.
Over the years, his coping methods have led to him experiencing more insecurity and shame, as well as weight gain and numerous health issues. For many years, I tried to be as supportive as possible, but as his insecurity turned into jealousy, and his lack of self care turned into constant health issues, I found myself feeling completely exhausted and exasperated.
Instead of drawing boundaries with him, I pushed down my own feelings in order to avoid conflict, and became increasingly resentful and angry.
A couple of years ago, I realized that I needed to figure out my own issues, because the resentment I was feeling was absolutely ruining my quality of life.
I found a good therapist and over the course of about 18 months, I explored what my needs were, what my values were, and how to draw boundaries. I began communicating my needs and my boundaries to my partner, which led to some really uncomfortable but necessary conversations.
We attended couples counseling for almost a year. I also continued going to individual therapy, but he did not.
What I found was that couples counseling didn’t really help, because many of my partner’s core issues, things that HE needed to work on, were not being addressed by him. Many of the sessions boiled down to him agreeing to whatever might save the marriage, even if he didn’t really agree.
One day when I was in an individual session with my therapist, she said something that was probably obvious to anyone on the outside, but was a lightbulb moment for me.
She said, “You know, your spouse CAN’T give you what you need in a relationship. He can’t even give HIMSELF what HE needs.”
At that moment, I realized that what I have been waiting for may never happen, and if I want peace, I am going to have to let him go and honor myself.
I have since taken the first steps in bringing this part of my journey to a close. For the first time in many years, I no longer feel resentful. I openly and honestly told my partner that I cannot do this any longer. I love him and care about him, but no longer feel the romantic love that has been hanging by a thread the past few years.
I am feeling the full range of emotions right now, from liberation and joy, to the most gut wrenching despair.
At the end of the day, however, I know I must move on...and I will.
I have been married almost nineteen years, and have spent much of that time watching my partner avoid negative emotions or conflict by swallowing his feelings with the help of food and alcohol. As a child, he became very good at living in emotional “survival mode” because he had to...as an adult, well, we all know how well that works.
Over the years, his coping methods have led to him experiencing more insecurity and shame, as well as weight gain and numerous health issues. For many years, I tried to be as supportive as possible, but as his insecurity turned into jealousy, and his lack of self care turned into constant health issues, I found myself feeling completely exhausted and exasperated.
Instead of drawing boundaries with him, I pushed down my own feelings in order to avoid conflict, and became increasingly resentful and angry.
A couple of years ago, I realized that I needed to figure out my own issues, because the resentment I was feeling was absolutely ruining my quality of life.
I found a good therapist and over the course of about 18 months, I explored what my needs were, what my values were, and how to draw boundaries. I began communicating my needs and my boundaries to my partner, which led to some really uncomfortable but necessary conversations.
We attended couples counseling for almost a year. I also continued going to individual therapy, but he did not.
What I found was that couples counseling didn’t really help, because many of my partner’s core issues, things that HE needed to work on, were not being addressed by him. Many of the sessions boiled down to him agreeing to whatever might save the marriage, even if he didn’t really agree.
One day when I was in an individual session with my therapist, she said something that was probably obvious to anyone on the outside, but was a lightbulb moment for me.
She said, “You know, your spouse CAN’T give you what you need in a relationship. He can’t even give HIMSELF what HE needs.”
At that moment, I realized that what I have been waiting for may never happen, and if I want peace, I am going to have to let him go and honor myself.
I have since taken the first steps in bringing this part of my journey to a close. For the first time in many years, I no longer feel resentful. I openly and honestly told my partner that I cannot do this any longer. I love him and care about him, but no longer feel the romantic love that has been hanging by a thread the past few years.
I am feeling the full range of emotions right now, from liberation and joy, to the most gut wrenching despair.
At the end of the day, however, I know I must move on...and I will.
51-55, F
