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I Am Suffering From Heartbreak

I want to share my personal journey here because I’m hoping that if any of you are in a similar situation, it will make you feel less alone.

I have been married almost nineteen years, and have spent much of that time watching my partner avoid negative emotions or conflict by swallowing his feelings with the help of food and alcohol. As a child, he became very good at living in emotional “survival mode” because he had to...as an adult, well, we all know how well that works.

Over the years, his coping methods have led to him experiencing more insecurity and shame, as well as weight gain and numerous health issues. For many years, I tried to be as supportive as possible, but as his insecurity turned into jealousy, and his lack of self care turned into constant health issues, I found myself feeling completely exhausted and exasperated.

Instead of drawing boundaries with him, I pushed down my own feelings in order to avoid conflict, and became increasingly resentful and angry.

A couple of years ago, I realized that I needed to figure out my own issues, because the resentment I was feeling was absolutely ruining my quality of life.

I found a good therapist and over the course of about 18 months, I explored what my needs were, what my values were, and how to draw boundaries. I began communicating my needs and my boundaries to my partner, which led to some really uncomfortable but necessary conversations.

We attended couples counseling for almost a year. I also continued going to individual therapy, but he did not.

What I found was that couples counseling didn’t really help, because many of my partner’s core issues, things that HE needed to work on, were not being addressed by him. Many of the sessions boiled down to him agreeing to whatever might save the marriage, even if he didn’t really agree.

One day when I was in an individual session with my therapist, she said something that was probably obvious to anyone on the outside, but was a lightbulb moment for me.

She said, “You know, your spouse CAN’T give you what you need in a relationship. He can’t even give HIMSELF what HE needs.”

At that moment, I realized that what I have been waiting for may never happen, and if I want peace, I am going to have to let him go and honor myself.

I have since taken the first steps in bringing this part of my journey to a close. For the first time in many years, I no longer feel resentful. I openly and honestly told my partner that I cannot do this any longer. I love him and care about him, but no longer feel the romantic love that has been hanging by a thread the past few years.

I am feeling the full range of emotions right now, from liberation and joy, to the most gut wrenching despair.

At the end of the day, however, I know I must move on...and I will.
TexChik · F
When it gets to the point that your partner’s self destructive habits drag you down , you really have no choice but to do what you are doing . Especially since the romantic love has died . It’s time for you to be happy again . 😉 . It’s a painful Process but necessary . Good luck!
KaysHealingPath · 36-40, F
I’m sorry to hear that it’s boiled down to this but I’m also happy that you are seeking a way forward for yourself.
Thank you for sharing this. I do want to wish you the best and I’m sending some positive vibes your way
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
Thank you, friend ❤️@KaysHealingPath
Montanaman · M
And goes without saying, you don't need a man to make you complete. You are not broken. You are not vulnerable. You are strong, and can do this. I believe in You.
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
Thank you ❤️@Montanaman
Montanaman · M
@BellaLocura Always.👍😊🤗
melbeacher · 56-60, M
So well written and so honest. I am going through something very similar and YES I must move an and will.

I wish you nothing but luck and happiness my friend.
Montanaman · M
Outstanding. This is absolutely what you have needed to do for a long time.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.👍👍🤗🤗💕💕
Livingwell · 61-69, M
I’m so sorry it came to this. But you deserve to be happy and feed loved. And you deserve a future with security. So your reasons for leaving are quite valid. I hope the pain and sadness doesn’t last too long. I’ve been there. Good luck. *hugs*
JustNik · 51-55, F
🤗 you put up a helluva fight. It seems like that could offer some peace sometime down the road. I hope so anyway. I hope he finds a way to honor himself someday too. That just sounds awfully sad.
Benjr134 · M
Unfortunately, this happens all too often. My sister had it happen about 3 years ago. I had it happen almost 10 years ago. It’s sad when it happens but hopefully it’s for the best. Thank you for sharing.
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
I LOVE doing messed up shit! Sounds fun@Benjr134
Benjr134 · M
@BellaLocura Perfect. It’s a plan.
Benjr134 · M
@BellaLocura So throw out some ideas for the first messed up shit we gotta do. 😂🤣
firefall · 61-69, M
That was very honest, and painful. Thank you.
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
Been there. Went to therapy. It kicks up dust. When it settled, I knew that my partner and best friend had morphed into an enemy and dropped all the qualities that made me love her in the first place. It was THE biggest challenge, like tearing off an appendage, but it was a huge step forward. Message me if you need to.
BellaLocura · 51-55, F
Ripping off an appendage is a good way to put it @uncalled4
walabby · 61-69, M
Don't chicken out. Do what you have to...
newagetim · 46-50, M
hi bella. i first read your story about masturbation, which was cute/funny. then i saw your longer post about what is going on with you and your spouse. sounds hard, but you are finding your way. good for you.
i'm tim, usa. love to chat
Harmonium1923 · 51-55, M
I’m glad you have found a good therapist and are figuring out how to move forward. Wishing you well!
daydeeo · 61-69, M
A heartbreaking yet hearthealing post.
I wish you well.
Lilnonames · F
[image deleted]
xixgun · M
👆️@Lilnonames
Lilnonames · F
Sad but good for u.why let another pull u into their unhappiness

 
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